Magnet

Dear you,
I apologize, sincerely.
For ignoring, avoiding..
Evading.. everything.

I know it hurts,
hurts deep inside your chest.
You may not believe,
that I, too, hurt.
To know that you hurt,
to see the positive energy fading,
as you try to hide it..

Just like a magnet,
I perceive our relationship to be.
We once have the attraction,
so strong,
that no force can pull apart.

But, like a magnet,
it, too, repels.

It maybe my fault,
I’ve turned my side.
& as you make your way closer,
I’m being pushed further away.

I’m truly sorry,
to have flipped 180 degrees.
It may seem fast,
almost like an instant,
in a blink of an eye, some may say.

Forgive me,
when you’ve found the heart to.
Forgive me,
even after the pain, will you?
Forgive me,
I can only pray.

What we have, once had,
can’t be compared.
Others find their solution in
distance
new love
or time.

Distance,
we have not.

New love,
I will not. (not now)

Time,
is all we’ve got.

In time,
be patient.
Don’t push any further,
for I fear I’ll run..
Run away,
to a place where chance depletes.

In time,
let not your focus
be on me.
Turn away,
as I turn from my ways.
Don’t continue on..
this love for me.
For the me you love,
is the me I don’t want.

Magnet,
let me stay put.
In time,
I may turn or flip.

However,
I’m no god.
The future,
I cannot see.
Don’t take it as a guarantee,
for man can never guarantee.

Find the heart,
why don’t you.
A heart rid of me,
rid me, I beg of you.

A heart renewed,
refocused
and ultimately, revived.

I pray
peace, love,
joy and faithfulness
be filled, in you.
That in time,
He heals
& He reveals,
to those that break
and are lost.

Forgive me,
why don’t you?
Forget the hurt,
can you?
Let go of me,
please do.

Love, (once)
Hannah L.

when the sun rises & when the moon descends.

At 88%, we’ve used up 12%..
I thought it’ll go further,
I thought we’d go till 50%,
at least.

A thought,
may not sound harmful,
but it can hurt,
and will leave a scar – a lesson.

It is:
A hope, that wants to be camouflaged,
not wanting to seem overly greedy,
but the heart, still wants the same.

Make it clear to me,
why don’t you?
I’m no psychic,
merely human, as humanly as any can be.

I’m young, naïve;
raw, one may add.
Like an open wound,
should & could be treated.
Instead, it hasn’t.

I question..
Why do you hold such ‘powers’,
as to when I should recover?
Leave me be, if salt is your solution.

These bags,
the layers, each one of them,
are those of my sleepless nights

I’ve prayed,
I’d pray,
& I’ll continue to pray..
That some day, ‘one day’,
will not come.

Feelings unraveled,
thoughts invoked,
dreams created..
The mind does wonder
& wanders into such an abyss,
that escape would be, almost, impossible.

Impossible,
nothing truly is.

Time & faith;
I’ll be patient.

Harden my heart, Lord
Take away the pain, the feelings
Give me a heart, only for You.

When the sun goes down,
& when the sky is filled with twinkles,
Let my hope and what I’ve been waiting for
be, only, You.

Love, (forever & ever)
Hannah L.

썸

Thanks to Hazel, I'm almost hooked to this song.

Lately I'm confused

Confused to how you've such a hold,

Hold on me.

The heart drawn

The mind trying to run

But the heart became a burden.

If only life can do without emotions

Such confusion would cease to exist.

I remember - the promise.

My oath to many, I have not forgotten.

Not that such oath bounds me,

Only knowing the worst outcome

scares me.

To have but to lose,

I shall not want.

If it means anything,

Leave me be.

But if to play,

Then play, break and walk away.

If that makes you happy,

A number on a list,

I'll contribute.

But once broken,

Never be mended.

Not by the same hands that crush and ruin.

Warning it may be,

To me.

It's fun to be in the moment,

To laugh,

To be amused,

To have the attention.

But I shed - a tear,

Now.

For I know

Such can only be temporary.

 

 

Love,

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.

Gut feeling

Hello there!

I'm really sorry that my last post was quite some time ago. And I won't be posting this if I didn't want to procrastinate. Yes, I'm running away from a dreadful assignment. Ah well...

Anyway, I've got a month more till exams. Oh my, how fast has time flew by?! Right? In a way, it's scary. It's scary to know that I have not been doing much whilst happily letting time slip past me. It's also scary to know that I need to cramp 9 weeks of materials into my head within this one month period. But again, what should scare me more? Life itself or the Creator of this life?

Awake my soul and sing

Of Him who died for me

And hail Him as thy matchless King

Through all eternity.

(Crown Him - Chris Tomlin ft Kari Jobe)

 

In my doubts, and trust me when I say that I have many doubts, He is the only constant in my life.

I do pray that He hears me and hears my cries. Somehow, it's not working. I'm sure there must be a reason as to why I'm sick and that I'm confused, but at the moment, it is as though He is really distant from me. There are things that I do not want and do not need in my life, how do I remove them? Asking Him to do it, it doesn't seem to go away yet. Not yet. Why not yet? Why not now? I don't want to cry about it later on, but it feels like I would. The cycle of my bad habits continue on even when I want it to stop.

Looking on the brighter side of things, at least I know I should stop. At least I know that it is not right. I just need a way out.

On another note, somehow this has been going on for some time already, every time that I'm rostered to lead worship, I would either fall sick before or after that Sunday. I wonder why. Hmm~ taking medicine seems to help a little bit. Let's just keep praying that I'll be fine.

In a month and a few weeks time, I'll be home. Home sweet home. Would it all be the same? I don't think so. But change can be a good thing, right? I'm not forcing myself to be optimistic, i just truly want it to be good. If He wills it, it must be for the good, right?

You asked me to go on a short journey and relive my best moments. It sparked something. It sparked this fire that I have had kept away for a while. When I was thinking back to the time when gong gong (grand dad) was still around, I wish I could've talked to him more before he left us. So many memories that I have kept away because I believed that it would cause me to grow weaker, as if moving forward would break myself away from the past. I just realised that I can never be torn away from my past, it makes me what I am today. Embrace the past and lunge forward.

You've given life, You've opened my eyes..

You've entered my heart, You've set me apart..

(Thank You Jesus - Hillsong Worship)

I'm not going to be vain and think that many are trying to pursue me, I just want to be careful not to make opportunities arise. After months of being single, I'm not going to say its fun and I won't say its the worst decision I've made. It's just that readjusting myself can be quite a challenge. Realising that every thing that I do and say can cause misunderstandings that will be difficult to unknot later on. Need. To. Be. Very. Careful. And. Mindful.

My goal still stands. Be rooted and not be distracted. This time, adding another: and don't distract.

:) that's all for today. A bit too late to think of what else to say.. Tbh, not really sure whether whatever I've written even makes sense or not. Oh well, too bad.

Till next time then.

 

Much love,

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.

I’m trying

Hello dear friends!

Do you know that I turn on my blog ever so often just to listen to the songs and study (yea, right) or even just to have time to chill. What do you think about the songs? I’m not sick of them yet, so maybe I won’t change them any time soon. When I get sick of songs, I can actually sing the songs and hum the tunes anywhere I go and then I will get annoyed for doing so. But if they are really not as nice as you have expected them to be, let me know :)

Well, today marks the third day after my dad left us to go back to Malaysia. Honestly, I was a bit worried when I found out my dad was coming 2 weeks ago because I didn’t want to cook or even clean up after him. However, my dad came and he totally did what we did not expect him to do. He cleaned up after us and didn’t even complain. Like, THE BEST HOUSE MATE EVER. *I miss you*

I miss how care free you were and not complaining when we all had our schedules going on. I miss how when I wake up and walk out of the corridor, I would find you seated on the old arm chair watching the news or chatting with friends on your phone. I miss your bah ku teh, even though you had to cook it after your golf session with Ben and you were all tired and sweaty, thanks! I miss how you would wait for all of us to sleep then head to bed. There’s too many things that I miss about you that is still lingering around the house. I miss you.

How long more do I have to keep feeling homesick? How long more do I see you (and mummy) only once, twice a year? How long more do I have to keep hallucinating that you were around just to kiss me on my fore head and tuck me to bed? How long more?

Don’t have to worry, I am not complaining. I am merely having a reality check on my situation and getting back on track to adapting. I am grateful that at least I can still call you two whenever I want to and tell you about my day. I am grateful for the beautiful memories that you have created for me.

It just takes me a while to adapt back to reality. I’m trying…

Thank You for bringing my dad back home safely.

Have a blessed winter everyone! Wrap up & stay healthy.

Love,

Hannah L.

Why did Jesus die?

Warning: I am not qualified to preach and I don't intend to preach. The title is as it is just because this is the question of the week for me..

Now, *ahem* on to formalities (righhhttttt~)

HELLO HELLO

To begin with, I need to kind of explain myself. I am currently in my University's lounge, chilling, because I have a 3 hours break between classes. - NO, I cannot (I repeat, CANNOT) change my schedule because it is auto-allocated! - This is why you can read a post from me! So, you should be happy; in the same way, I am glad to be here also.

At the beginning of this semester, I was keen to take a break from this ministry that I have been serving in for at least the past 3 semesters already. It is not that I am unhappy with this ministry, sometimes a break is necassary so that one doesn't feel too burnt out or lose their direction along the way. This ministry is called the Alpha Course. If you have not heard of this course ever in your life, you can check it out from this link :

http://www.alphausa.org/Groups/1000049014/Explore_Alpha_For.aspx

It is a course that helps people ponder of the questions that relates to Christianity and God. What is my role in this ministry? I used to be a backup singer, and then I was given the role of Worship Coordinator a long time ago (I need to redefine 'long' in my dictionary) and after that: Worship Leader. It may seem as though it isn't a big role, but if you look at it from my point of view, I try not to be sloppy and I want to give my best in serving God in this ministry. AND if you have not worship lead before, let me tell you that choosing the appropriate songs is a difficult task. Songs are important to help engage with the congregation to a time of praise and worship. This way their hearts and minds are open to receive His word. No, it is not meant to be hypnotising them. In a way, worship is the appetiser to a meal. If the appetiser is no good, one may lose interest or appetite throughout the whole meal. Anyway, to fast track, I could not take this break. The reasons being: I love this course and that there isn't sufficient helpers to take over my role.

Last week was just Introduction : Who is Jesus. I think most of you would know the answer to that question. Feel free to comment below and tell me who Jesus is to you. :)

This coming week the topic will be on 'Why did Jesus die?'. It is a very interesting topic, at least for me it serves as a reminder. And many a times, peoples' answers and responses to this question can be very interesting and at the same time inspiring. Some people may have different opinions of why He died and why did He have to be crucified. I believe that it isn't a topic that you can easily avoid and say 'I don't care' to. You either believe or you don't. You can only either believe that He is a sinner (like every one else) and that He deserved such a death or that You believe that He has fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy of bringing us intercession. [Read Isaiah 53] Do rebuke me if you feel the need to.

Anyway, I will also be serving as a back up singer on the actual Sunday service this week. Coincidently(?) the sermon for this week is related to Jesus' death. Last night, we had the worship practise with the band and the songs that the worship leader picked were super powerful. I guess any song that relates to Jesus' death would be powerful because His death isn't just any ordinary death. I am actually having the songs play repeatedly on my playlist at the moment just so I am in the mode of understanding and acknowledging His saving grace. If I was to be at home, my eyes would be all watery and my shirt would be soaked from my snot and all goodness that comes from it. Thank goodness I am able to supress the emotions that is running high in my body from the powerful songs and from typing this post.

Want to know what I am listening to? Here are the songs :)

• Relentless - Hillsong United [acoustic version]
• Forever Reign - Hillsong
• Saviour King - Mia Fieldes ft Ben Fielding
• Jesus, Son of God - Chris Tomlin ft Christy Nockles
• In Christ Alone - Owl City

Just realised that this is a long post. *eeks* sorreh~

Whilst I was selecting the songs for the next Alpha session, I just reflected on the many bible verses that talks about His death. To me, it is so amazing to know that I am saved despite my flaws and sins. And that I am saved even before I do anything or praise His name or serve Him. Isn't it crazy? To lay down your life for a fellow friend shows that you are a good friend or even a good person. But laying down your life for millions and millions of people that hate you and throw curses at you, it is just mind-blowing. Therefore, again, I am eternally grateful. I just cannot wait for that day when I return home. Don't ask me what I would ask Him when I first see Him. The first thing I would do if I see Him is to run into His warm and comforting arms with tears of joy.

Jesus isn't fully inhuman, you know? He feels the pain of being rejected and feels the pain of losing a loved one. Prior to His death, as He prayed in the garden, He asked if God can take away 'this cup' (dying on the cross aka saving the world) from Him because He knew how painful and flesh-ripping it would be. Jesus isn't some God that doesn't understand how you feel when you are underappreciated or when you have lost a loved one. He understands every single pain that you will ever have to go through in this life. Sometimes I wish to be married to Jesus. Not joking. I think in a way He would say yes because He is so loving and gracious, but I feel so inadequate to be called His wife or even girlfriend. Just because I suck...

In conclusion... *yes, I am keeping it short and sweet* Jesus died not for Himself, well, in a way yes, He died to bring glory to Himself and His Father (God), however, don't forget that He also died just so we won't have to bear the consequences of sin = death. Again, I am not saying we won't die physically (everyone WOULD and WILL go through physical death). I am just saying that eternally we will be alive and whole in Him. If you are leaving my blog all confused and just... bombareded with a whole jimble-jumble of unsolved thoughts, I do encourage you to read the Bible or talk to someone. Or check out the Alpha website, I am sure there will be people there that are helpful. OR knock on the door of a church near you and have a pastor or elder pray for you. I am not of a heap of help but I can try :) my inadequacies are just immeasurable.

My conclusion would be that I know He died for me, for you and for everybody.

As usual..

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

It affects everyone - death.

Hello Helloo!

A little update from me: my dad is here in Melbourne! (yay) I wish my mum came along as well but I guess she has to take care of our house back home. Do help me pray for her safety, bless you (thank you!!)! It is so refreshing to have a parent come over to offer comfort, words of wisdom, and ultimately just being a part of my life. Not saying that he (or they) isn’t a part of my life just because we are miles away from each other most of the time, but it is just super different when he is here physically. The house seems more lively and more warmer, in a way, very much livable. So praise God that he had a safe flight while coming over!

Anyway, on Sunday (which was yesterday), I had a short conversation with an old uncle that just finished leading his cell group. He told me that a cell member of his passed away that very morning and it is now really common to him especially with the circle of friends he has (which are all around his age). The topic that they were discussing about at cell was something along the lines of ‘how do you comfort a relative or friend’ of a deceased? And he told me that a ‘young’ girl such as myself won’t find it an interesting or common topic to talk about. HOWEVER!!! It was.. Sadly. It is not that I find such a morbid topic interesting, moreover, I find that it is crucial that we equip ourselves better on how to handle such a situation. Looking at how life is so unpredictable and fragile even amongst us young people or healthy people, we really just can’t say for sure what will happen next. I did not get the chance to ask him for his advice on how to deal with such a situation because I had to rush off for a recording. Ah..

What happened next was so shocking. I heard from my mum that my best friend’s father passed away. At that point in time, I wasn’t really sure of what to say or how I should go about to comfort her. As a best friend, I felt so inadequate and so useless. The normal “my deepest condolences” just wasn’t enough, at least that is what I think. If something like that happened to my family, what would I expect from my friends? What should I expect? I think, I would just cry. No matter what people say.

“I’m so sorry for being so helpless.”

For me, my love language is physical affection and touch. So, a hug would do a great world of a difference in making me feel better. To comfort someone, you have got to relate to their love language. I haven’t gotten to know my best friend enough to know how she understands love. This is why I feel so terrible.. All I can do is send silent prayers up to our heavenly Father with a hope that He grants her and her family comfort and peace in their hearts. That through this grief they maybe able to draw closer to one another and trust each other with their emotions.

“I really wish I was there just to lend you my shoulders, my arms, my ears..”

Death comes to everyone. Unavoidable and Unforeseeable. We can look at it morbidly and cry about it; or we can live life to the fullest and making sure that we spend our time wisely with those that we love, doing things that we love. But at the same time, being grateful for this life that was given to us. And when you are grateful, you would want to repay back to the one that you have owed. In this case, we can never repay no matter how many good things we do in life, it is simply never enough. However, He doesn’t require much. :) Therefore, I am eternally grateful, living a life that is pleasing to Him.

A: “Rabbi, when do we repent?”

Rabbi: “When we are dying..”

A, confused: “But how do we know when we are dying?”

Rabbi: “Because we can never know when our last breath will be, therefore always repent as if it is our last breath.”

Love,
Hannah L.

Jesus said …, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies;  and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

John 11:25-26

Yes.

a transforming caterpillar

Hello Hello :)
I know I have not been posting much and when I looked back at my previous post, it felt so emo-ish and super morbid-like. My sincere apologies.
If you have noticed *hint hint*… Has anything changed? Teehee!
YES! I have modified my blog and even the songs that I had before. If you are reading my blog on mobile, I’m not really sure if the songs would play…(I highly doubt it) So, hop back onto the old fashioned laptops or computers and visit my blog then instead – because the songs are super yummy! If you are anything like me, playful and cheerful, I think the songs would suit you as well!
Anyway, what have I been doing since my last post? Well, I had exams (& by now my results are already out. Please don’t ask me how it went.. Let’s just say I didn’t do too well at it. That’s a fact.) and then holidays! However, now that my holidays are coming to an end, I can well enough say that I did not spend it as productively as I have planned for it to be. *damn it* I did in fact work for 2 weeks and then I fell terribly sick. Some weird virus/bacteria that enjoyed it’s stay in me and not wanting to leave, so there you have it, sick for almost 3 weeks.
On the bright side, I did manage to catch up on rest. Also, met up with my bestie when she came over to Melbourne for her holidays. As well as spending some quality times with a few friends from church. OH! And I have gotten back to gaming – dota2, L4D2 & TF2! *tsk tsk* It is always fun to play a coupla games here and there with friends.
I think the only thing that I am truly regretful of is that I did not spend any/much time with Him during my holidays. I kind of left the book of Psalms hanging for a month or so. In some ways, I am actually turning Him into my genie in the lamp on the shelf, which is not what should happen. T~T sorry.
As I was counting down the number of days I have left to sleep in and be lazy, I was reminded of the grace that He has showed me. Despite the coughs and despite the cold, I am still well alive and living without having to worry about my safety. I am sure all of you would have heard of the many ‘airplane(s)’ news. From MH370 to MH17 to TransAsia to Air Algerie, these are the recent ones and I do pray that they will be the last few of any more aircraft incidents/accidents. When I think about it, there is nothing we can do about the disasters that come our way. No matter how many evidence you prove to show that Russia is at fault or that America is twisting the stories, the fact is that we have been given one life each and this life can be taken back whenever and however that He has planned. I am not saying that He has planned for those victims to die a cruel and innocent death, I am very sure that He won’t want that to happen to anyone. However, we are living in a very cruel and sinful world that people plot for other peoples’ sufferings just so they can satisfy their own sick goals or whatever. Sometimes I do wonder why evil people should even exist on this earth, but after the Fall, this world has clearly became the dwelling place of all wickedness and sin. I am not saying that love and everything good cannot dwell amongst us, I am only saying that you can’t rid all evil here and now. It can only be in heaven that there is no trace of any bad things. We can only pray for protection and pray for our loved ones to be safe. The only lesson that I can take from these terrible news is that life is fragile and I need to know what I should do with this one life that I was given. I can live it as wildly as other people do or I can live a life that has a purpose. A purpose of which I have yet to think of properly. :)
Now, why did I decide to have a change? I guess one thing is for sure is that I was getting bored of my old blog layout and the songs as well. AND that my birthday is coming! I am turning!~ *hee hee* I am not really sure why 21 is such a BIG THING but I guess in this world that we live in, 21 is just set as an age to symbolize adulthood.

So there you have it, me when I was about 1 years old and another picture of me that my sister took last year! Yes, I am very proud of how I look in both of these pictures. But any pictures in between… I think I look a bit…. Terrible and not as pretty as I could be. Oh well, the process of growing up, I guess.
Honestly, I really am super grateful to God of this wonderful life I have had. No complaints and I don’t even have a time of which that I wish to turn back to just so I can change any of it. Undoubtedly I have had many MANY  ups and downs, but without any of them, I can assure you that I will not have been the same ‘caterpillar’ as I am typing this post to you now. I am also thankful to my lovely parents that love me unconditionally and always guiding me every step of the way. I know a lot of people out there can’t wait to turn 21 just so they can be released of the ‘chains’ that they have that is tying them to their parents. For me, I don’t mind being tied to my parents until the day I return home. I will always need them in my life. :)
On the other hand, my siblings. *starting to laugh at myself* Yes, I love YOU too! How can I ever not love any of you. No matter what we say to and behind each other, I guess that’s the fun of having 3 other people that is so similar to you (character-wise), we will always have the love for one another. Growing up was NEVER boring and I cannot even begin to imagine when my life actually becomes silent. I remember when I went back to Kuantan (which is my hometown) alone last year, I had to be ‘alone’ without the three of you for a whole month! At first, of course it was fun, but the fun ended in less than a week! Home will never be the same without any of you and same goes to my life. *ugh, so cheesy* As an end note, I just want to say thank you for making my 21 years interesting and never boring.
Now, on to a couple of friends of mine that I cannot help but to mention. Even though we are separated, even though we have not seen each other in a long time, the memories we have created for one another has always been in my heart and it will never leave me. I guess the reason why I can’t seem to find any other closer friends here in Melbourne is because you guys just set the bar too high for any potential friends to even come close to me. I love you :) The bitchings, the tears, the laughters, oh how I miss them! This is why Melbourne will never be my home, because it isn’t the same without any of you here. If only one of you came, I guess there is still hope for Melbourne.

Remember this? We were at ‘Happy Together’ celebrating my birthday! (you know who you are) I wish to just appear at Happy Together again and celebrate with all of you. But I guess dreaming about it is still better than nothing. If I do go back at the end of this year, let’s all celebrate our 21st together once D & C have both turned as well!

And to these two beautiful ladies :) what would I do without having the two of you since young? I am sure that I wouldn’t go to church as often as I did if not because of you! I know we are all super busy with our studies, I just can’t wait till when we actually start working and we can meet each other more often! Exciting times! I know one of you still hasn’t turned, so be excited woman! Love you two loads~
Anyway, I need to stop blabbering now. Will post more soon! For the time being, do enjoy the songs and I hope my this post wasn’t toooooo long!
Love love love,
Hannah L.

Just one of those days

sometimes, while walking on the busy streets of Melbourne, I often wish I could just give way to my legs so that I could just crash onto the floor and cry. Cry out all my heartaches and pain and stop when my body is unable to proudce anymore tears.. *sigh*

what is holding me back? what is holding back my tears? I want to know as well...

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

More than words could ever describe.. I am eternally grateful

Hello hello! (Please just imagine me screaming for joy even though I have currently lost my voice!)

I will Praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will plese The Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. - Psalm 69:30-31

Last night, was one of the 'normal' stressful nights that when I have been procrestinating throughout the semester and not try to touch my assignments beforehand. Then I leave everything to the last minute knowing that I am no where close to understanding the subject, what more understand it to a level where I can write reports confidently or even do simple book keeping (of course at a deeper level with more complicated transactions and what not). The assignment that I had to hand in today is only worth 10%, however, I have to salvage as much internal scores as I can for this subject because I did not do too well for the in-class test which was worth 30%. That was..BAD.

So, I could have started this assignment earlier this week but I kept pushing it away and choosing to serve Him in the many ministries that I am committed in. When I finally told myself to just sit down and start my assignment last night at 10pm, I was ready. I thought I could ace it because the questions looked fairly easy.

When I planted the transactions in, I kept doubting myself and whether my numbers were even near to correct. I usually study the same subjects with a couple of friends at Uni but this particular subject, I was all alone. Therefore, I didn't have someone that I could compare the answers with. As the hours passed from 11pm to 12am to 1am.. I was getting really despoerate. I read as much as I could and I tried as much as I can, but nothing seems to be going right. I broke down and cried like a toddler that has lost his way, *thankfully the students have already left the Computer Lab*. The only thing that I had in mind was this song that we were singing during worship practise earlier that night - Christ is Enough. It kept running through my head until the point that I couldn't take it anymore, I sang it out loud with tears and with a heart that was burdened, also with a voice that has already been over-used. After singing the Chorus over and over again, I prayed and told Him this:

Lord God, I am so sorry for being selfish. For wanting to do things that were not of importance to what I am studying, and at the end of the day, because of selfishness I have caused disgrace and dishonour to my family and to Your name, Lord. I want to ask if you can help me? *started laughing at myself and thought to myself 'how is this even possible?'* Help me to know that what I am doing is right and even if it isn't right, I pray that you give me the peace that I need in this turmoiled heart of mine. I have nothing to lose but to lose the chance to be able to glorify you and to honour my parents. *sigh*, God, I am nothing but a sinner and I pray that You will forgive me for all my laziness and my complaints. I don't know what I can do and I don't know what I should do, so I will just leave it all at your feet and just do what I can with the ability that I have.

Before running to the toilet to wash my 'filled with tears and mucus' face, I posted on Facebook that this assignment was really tough and deceiving, it seems easy but it is nothing but hard! I was on Facebook to see if I can find anyone online at that unearthly hour that could encourage me or even just advice me of my situation. But no one that I wanted to be online, was online.

After praying, I still felt tired and inadequate. So I went to the toilet to wash up with the hope that when I got back to the table I might gain a little bit more determination and a clearer mind to finish up this *ahem - stupid* assignment.

As per usual , I tried to elongate my time in the toilet as long as possible. And when i sat back down to continue where I have left off, I got a message on my phone, I took a look and saw that it was Mathilda! I actually wanted to just ignore her message because I was already wasting so much time, I can't afford to waste more time by having both hands on my phone. But, I decided to just say hi and hopefully I can tell her about my situation that maybe she could encourage me.

This was what happened:

Mathilda: Hannnnyyyyyyyyy

Me: Mattyyy :(

Mathilda: *sent a photo of the assignment's front page* Are u doing this subject?

Me: OMG yes! I am stuck :(

Mathilda: *sent photos of the answers to me* YES!

Me: o.O Mattyyy... *utterly speechless*

Mathilda: You know why? I was uploading photos on Facebook and I happened to see your status! & I also know that my boyfriend is doing the same subject and has already finished his assignment.

Me: o.O OMGGGG!!! Thank you babe for being the angel!! I kept crying because I was so stuck and I usually have friends that I can compare answers with, but this time I am alone.

Mathilda: Aww don't cry, just do it and I know you will do well! I really think it is His work because I so happened saw your status and I have the answers in my face! :D

Me: :) It was just yesterday that you shared with me the miracle He has provided to you with your exam paper! And now I am experiencing the same thing!!

Mathilda: YESSS how long after you prayed? I prayed for 40 minutes then.

Me: I prayed not too long ago. Maybe 10-15minutes ago?

Mathilda: wow! He is fast! Praise The Lord...!!!!!

 

Yes. So that was what has happened to me last night. In the end, I did have answers to compare with and I could honestly tell you, when it had hit me, what was left was just joy. Overflowing joy that it flowed out through tears. I could only cry and cry and cry.. *more mucus and tears flowed* I am sure that this is not the first time that I had Him answering my prayers but most of the time it is more for other people or for things that I can't really get an immediate response to. This time I was really vulnerable and through my vulnerability, He revealed Himself to me :)

Even though I am not very proud to be sharing my weaknesses when it comes to my studies, and i am not saying that you should leave your priorities all the way to the last minute, I still believe that I want to share in order that He will be glorified. Be aware as well that He isn't a genie in a bottle that grants us wishes. He answers our prayers when in the end it is in line with His greater plan. I hope it will be in His will that I don't fail any subjects! Time to up my game!!!

:) wish me all the best. I don't want to just be passing or obtaining credits. What I need to be achieving is at least distinctions or highs. I know I can, but I have always just wanted the bear minimum without much effort. Let's do it differently this time!

I hope that God will reveal Himself to everyone as well because ultimately, as our Father and Creator, He would want everyone to be saved and every soul to be living with him in His kingdom for eternity!

Have a blessed weekend my lovely friends!

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

So.. I am doomed

Thanks to these stupid assignments, I have to become an night owl and a day zombie. I still don't get it why we have to suffer just to get a piece of paper in the end of the day. *ugh*
I don't want to be Chinese! I believe it is either the Chinese or Romans that invented these stupid tests to add stress to life. Honestly, such a waste of sleep.
But oh well, a fish has to do what a fish does - SWIM! Either swim with the flow of the current or swim against the flow of the current. Both ways, it requires swimming. So swim! I don't know where I am getting this stupid analogy. Forgive me, I am just being pure random here because my eyes are half closed and my brains are.. well.. it *disappeared*.
1 assignment done, 2000 words accomplished in two nights. Another assignment coming my way, thank goodness it is not an essay nor a report, it is just calculations and ACCOUNTING. How dry. Dryer than dry beer. Ermaigerd...!!
Anyway, I would like to share with you this song that is just keeping me going and smiling all the way as I listen to it. I agree that her voice might sound like a wannabelittlegirl, but the plucking of the guitar, oh so good!
Here you go :)

It is called Confession song by Milktea. Milktea has another song that I actually don't mind listening to: Ramen King. Heh^^ so cute.
Anyway, time for this owl to turn back into sleeping 'beautymyass'.
I shall become more of an owl starting from now because it is already WEEK 9 into this semester, 3 more weeks to go and I would be drowning with finals!
Love and toodlehoos,
Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

It is all about timing. His timing..

The heart of man plans his way, but The Lord establishes his steps. {Proverbs 16:9}

 

No matter what I do to make sure my plans work, if it is not in His plan, it will not happen. Not saying that He wanted me to skip my classes today, but I did. Honestly, I was so pumped before I went to sleep. Can see my friend in Uni, and able to gain more knowledge on this subject at such an unearthly hour, who would not be pumped?! Well, apparently when I woke up to off my alarm, I was not pumped. Maybe pumped but only pumped to sleep, of course!

 

Out of the way, games, and out of the way, movies and shows! I am now planning to start revision. *it is only week 8* sigh.

I always get pumped but my motivation will fade soon enough. Hopefully this time around, I will try to put in more effort. I just need more time. I only managed to go through 2 weeks of revision of one subject! That leaves 6 more weeks of revision on that subject and 3 other subjects that I have not yet touched. Oh gawd.. Why is it that it is so difficult to be a good student?

 

Like I said, it is all in His timing, I am sure everything will be well if it has been planned to :)

 

With relationships as well, no point forcing a relationship now when it is not at the right time? Say for example, a fruit, it is not ripe, but if you plucked it out of its 'source', it will stop growing and it will just continue to be not-ready.

 

As a little girl, I had many dreams. But slowly as I grow up, I start to realise that dreaming is always possible but in reality, it is often just a dream that will not come true unless your eyes are kept closed. I wanted to travel and play and meet new people, but my energy drains super fast these days, especially when meeting new people. It is getting more difficult to remember people's names and getting harder to continue to be interested in getting to know more of them at a deeper level. My conversations can usually travel far but recently it stops are 'what are you doing at the moment? studying? working? travelling?' and then it stops at 'oh you are a barista! I make coffee too..' -_-

 

When and where did I start losing this passion?

 

I hope one day, in His timing, that I still get to go to places and meet new people and tell people the good news. I hope this dream will be a reality, in His timing.

 

Sidetrack: I might get gout when I grow older. Actually I think many people will get gout, so why not just enjoy... SOYMILK! :D I get to steam my own soymilk and get to add sugar to it and enjoy it as much as I want to. Will buy soymilk before heading back & I am planning to make more cupcakes! *sooooooooo going to get chubbier* oh, apparently if you have more flesh on your face, you are actually a kind person. So getting fat is a good thing!

 

PS: I'm just blabbering.

Love,

Hannah

Love and keep loving.

I have given myself 5 years

Hello my fellow blog readers :)

 

As you (should) have known, I have broken up with my ex-boyfriend like 5 months ago. It is still a rough patch, I don't think break ups are easy and the after math is even worse. But I'm taking things slowly and hopefully during this time I am able to grow as an individual sprout and not be influenced by others, other than Him.

 

But I just realised, there are so many temptations out there. The devil is not hesitating to point out (with spotlight) other guys out there that are single and may-be-potentials. Seriously, I can do better than this. My heart is softening, and my mind is slowly giving in.. THIS IS NOT EASY!

 

No, I am not physically attracted (I mean sexually), but my heart is just super soft now (like goo) that any guy that comes my way with a smile and a good topic to chat about, I think my heart will just jump on him. NO! This can NOT happen. I must remember to lead my heart, not to follow my heart as our hearts can be deceiving.

 

Focus.

Honour parents. (which also means with STUDIES)

Serve God. (which mean ministries)

Grow. (which means discipline)

 

I can do this. I just need less distractions. But I cannot just NOT leave the house because the world is full of temptations. (even at home, the freaking red velvet cupcake looks so delicious and its within arm's reach)

 

*sigh* I just need to continue to immerse myself with godly songs, godly people and of course, His word. Never forgetting to pray and talk to Him :) I am sure I can do this. 5 years should not be that long. That's like 25. It's the right age. The 'ripe' age. *heh*

 

Ah well, so that is just me, checking in. & communicating my struggles (petty ones). I guess everyone has their own struggles and their own ways of dealing with them. I, personally, love to share my struggles unless they are super inappropriate (then it will be thrown into the pit of stupidity).

 

I shall declare now (I hope this works) that every guy that I talk to and know and even just meet on the streets (practically every male on this earth) will be objects that are sexless. xD [thanks to Serene for the tip]

So that means.. they are sexless people. or genderless. I have forgotten the specific word that she used. But it just means that I view them like an object (for an example, a chair or lamp or cloth), they have no 'sex/gender/whateveryouwanttonameit'.

 

I feel much better now. Though I foresee that I will be complaining more that it isn't working, but at least, I know I am trying.

 

PS: I need to not be greedy. No expectations. If He has planned it to be simple, it shall be simple, and I shall be grateful. :) [you don't know what I am talking about but I will reveal it when the time has come]

 

Love,

Hannah

 

I took this picture at the Aquarium (Melbourne). Reminds me that God is not dull but rather He is the creator of all colurful beings, like me and you. *\(^o^)/*

 

Love and keep loving.

Change is a must if you want to stay the same

Dear you,

 

 

 

You have turned 17 today! *yay*

 

I just want to thank you for being such a good brother to me, even though you are my only brother, I could not wish for a better one than you. It was really pleasant to see how you have grown from 'clingy & protective' to 'yu-gi-oh craze fan' to 'want-to-be cool guy' to an actually cool guy :)

 

For the past few months, I actually thought we have lost all of our trust for one another. We seldom communicate and whenever we do, we would end up sighing and walking away from one another. But after seeing your reaction today when we surprised you with the cupcakes and presents, I could not believe that you were still the you I knew long ago - a simple guy that doesn't expect much but only love from those you love.

 

I know it was not easy for you to open to us yesterday about your new-addition and how you met. But thank you for still trying even though we can seem judgy and prejudice about it. We are all siblings after all and we seldom try and hide things from one another. I really hope we will never end up at that stage. I just want us all to be able to share and talk things out. It will never be easy to open up when you know the other party may not be as receptive as you would like them to be, but if you take up the courage to try, I'm sure it is better than keeping it all in.

 

In a sense, it is a process that we all need to go through. Because we are all growing at the same time, and we are changing differently as well; in order to have things staying the same way as it was before, we need to change ourselves. Just like wanting to keep the paint on the wall as white as snow all the time, repainting it is a must because it is constantly gathering moulds and dust that will discolour it.

 

All I can wish for for you is that you continue to grow. Do not stay lukewarm in your faith; you can only either be cold or hot but never in the middle. Honour your parents and remember that He is always watching. Not only will He be watching, He will also be there to guide and lead you only if you allow Him to. Lead your heart instead of following your heart because your heart can be very deceiving. When you know you have done something wrong, never lock up the word 'sorry' but allow it out of your mouth with sincerity. Love, and let love.

 

I love you, my forever little brother, now and always.

 

Love,

Hannah

 

Love and keep loving.

I am no better than anyone

Dear you,

Why do we keep on fighting? On things like your phone? On things like clothes? Why? They are merely earthly things that should not matter and yet you can place them as your utmost importance and priority; to the fact that you are willing to sacrifice our sisterly relationship.

I was so shocked that you practically screamed at me when I was actually helping you to understand the bills, and by helping you, I just touched your phone screen. I do not recall 'banging' it. I do not recall scratching it. I know that I wasn't handling it in a rough manner. I just touched your phone and because of that I had to hear you scolding me over and over again for being 'dumb' and being 'stupid'. I went to the room to change and to contemplate whether or not to rebuke you and tell you that what you did to me was not right. & to what I expected, I got the wrong feedback for telling you that you were over-exaggerating.

Can you not see? Can you not see that you prioritise your material things above our relationship? Not only to me, but to the rest of those that love you? You told me that I can wear the blue pants because it looks nice on me and the condition was to treat it well and not wear it when you wanted to wear it. You know that clothes can drop from the chair and unto the floor without us knowing, and yet you choose to think that I chucked it on the floor and choose to allow that to make you angry to the fact that you are willing to humiliate me.

You wear my clothes too but just because you don't stretch them, you have the right to wear them and I don't? I am not being selfish. You can wear my clothes whenever you want but think for me for while instead of yourself. How is it easier to share when you are being selfish? How is it easier for me to see you wear my clothes with laughters and I know I should not say anything because that is being selfish, and on the other hand being scolded for wearing your clothes? You keep telling me to not ask you for things and I can wear them and use them, but you have your little mood swings; sometimes you are willing to share and sometimes you are not. Why?

You are not born any differently from any of us. Yes, you may have some extra health issues that require more attention, but don't use that as an excuse. See to it that you do things out of love. It is because of love that you are able to receive good things in life and yet you think you have the right to choose who and when they can receive good things from you? Not saying that you have to be good at the expense of your own security and wellbeing but don't not do it because you just feel like you are not in the mood.

I know it is wrong for me to say it here, but telling it to you upfront will not get me the result that I intend this message to be received. I can only just wish that you reflect on what I have just told you. I do not expect you to turn over a new leaf in 24 hours time but try, try to make an effort in to being more loving and selfless.

Do not gather material things on this earth and place them on top of your heart, because you know it is already wrong. By loving your phone so much that you can neglect the wellbeing of those around you shows who your actual master is. You can say that you are trying to search Him, but have you actually sat down and prayed, and want to get to know Him better through His word? From Alpha camp, many people has already said that experiencing Him is a beautiful thing but it is not one thing that we should prioritize on. How is it called faith if you are allowing yourself to indulge in waiting for Him to show Himself to you? Get to know Him more, and Who He is like, and maybe through there you will be able to realise How He can communicate to you.

I know I am a sinner just like you and I am not doing this to let you know that I am better. I am only doing this to send across a message that hopefully you will understand. I was hurt badly that you scolded me for no good reason, for not even asking or telling me properly that what I did was inappropriate. In my defense, I was shocked and I did not understand how and why I had to get screamed at over me touching your phone. I still am at a shock and I need my time to heal. I don't like it that I have to be a doormat to you that you can step on whenever you feel you want to lash out on me. I know I have a bigger capacity to take in more hurt and not lash it out on anyone and sleep it over and then the next day all will be good. But I am still human. I hope you understand that. I still have feelings. And just because I am older than you, I don't want to be tested on just so you can have fun and see how bad I fail as an older sibling. I fail too, do understand that. I am not much more older than you. There are times where my mood fails me, but I am learning to suppress them and not let them affect my relationships. I hope you try to do the same.

That is all I want to say. And I also want to say that I love you. Forgive me for 'banging' you phone and wearing your pants. I will not do that again.

Love,

Hannah

Love and keep loving.

He has His ways..

Oh I have sinned badly today. So badly that He had to rebuke me. Which doesn't happen that obviously, usually.

Well, I woke up early (7am) but then I thought to myself, I might be a tad too early so I decided to sleep back for another half an hour. What a mistake! I knew, I knew that when I go back to sleep, I will be more inclined to not get up. Which was what had happened. I was supposed to go to work at 9am but, like a serpent, I find blame on others and decided to just indulge more on my sleep. I blamed my employer that she did not set a time for me to go to work (which she usually does the night before), but I knew deep within that it is such a routine that she need not do it anymore. *sigh*

So I slept till 11.30am, unaware that my employer has been calling me but I had my mobile on silent (as per usual). Finally I got up and told her that I was sorry, and she said to go in to work anyway, and I was shocked. Despite the shock, (I imagined she would just say, it's okay and no more next time, kind of thing) I got ready to leave the house. Now in a tram, this is when I usually have my quiet time, to reflect and to read the Bible. As I opened the Bible app, there will always be the 'verse of the day' that will pop up and greet you. This is how He rebuked me. " In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of The Lord Jesus, how he himself said " It is more blessed to give than to receive"' - Acts 20:35. Not saying that my employer is weak, but I interpreted it as 'in need of help' and that I always expect that she treats me well and gives me food, instead, I have never thought of giving my best at work and never had it on top of my head that I should be doing what she expects of me.

Ah. He has His ways, always will have His way of rebuking His children. I am dead, Pastor N (from yesterday's sermon), I am spiritually dead. However, knowing this is not enough, I also believe that in His own timing, I shall be born again :) Now, to face my angry(?) employer.

My hope is in You!

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

My hour has not yet come

I know it is not right to take things out of context but testing and trying Him is really a kind of 'taboo' in a sense. But I guess, by doing so, I realised that He indeed knows me and what is deep within my heart. Patience is what I need.

What i did was to climb up the ladder and even though I knew it wasn't VERY safe, I wanted to test Him and see whether my time has come. So that was my story.. I mean, an atheist can come up and tell me that it maybe just me overthinking things; the ladder may be very secure and safe by itself already so the chances of me falling over would be really low. Everyone has their own opinion. But when I was at the top of the ladder, i know it was a 50-50. I could have fallen at any given time but I was in safe hands.

This is exactly what I mean. I just need to trust Him. Let go of all the fears and the worries but to just hold onto Him and say "if I fall, You will be there to catch me". It is scary, where I am now, I am terrified. But in my darkest moments, He will still be shining ever brighter. No left turn and no right turn, I have already decided on what I want and what i need now, so just keep moving forward. There is no turning back.

This is amazing grace and there will be no failing love.

 

★

Hannah L.

Ps: i bought an app to blog on my ipad & i have also upgraded my iPad's cover to one that has a Bluetooth keyboard :) yay-yers. So I will be ranting more often now and just trashing on my blog. Yippy!

Love and keep loving.

Destroy me half might as well destroy me whole.

What happened to me yesterday is still a blur to me. Everything came by so fast that all I could feel was pain and all I wanted to do is to drown myself in the comfort of my single-sized bed. Reminding myself yet again, I'm still alive and single.

What does this picture say of me? I never understood until yesterday. Thank you for telling me who I really am. I'm a narcissist and I don't respect others and their feelings. Instead, I hurt people. I hurt people that come close to me. I don't listen to people's advices but I go ahead with what I feel is right, and the end result: hurt & pain & disappointment & regret.

Whom should I blame other than myself?

Why do you have such a perfect life? Studies, love and friends.. You have everything. Future is bright for you (not that we should listen to mediums but if its true then good for you) but my future, full of mistakes and full of pain. Why?

I lack self control and I lie. I lie to others and I lie to myself. Thinking to myself, the more I lie, it will become a truth. What a mistake. Such a mistake.

I..

Am a mistake.

Staring at my wall, the pictures hanging there, my past.. Can I turn back time? Turn back to the times when I don't have to lie to myself for a smile. When friends were always there for me..

Take me back or take me away. Take me away to where tears doesn't exist and where pain is not even in the dictionary. Take me back to when laughters and joy were never ending and the comfort of your warmth overflows within me. Bring me to where the Sky meets the Sea.

Maybe because I had my fair share of fun and laughters, maybe, just maybe, that's why I'm gradually not getting anymore of it.. If that is the reason then I can only accept it and I shall not regret my past. It is because of my past, that I am who I am and that I am how I am today. The many train tracks that I have travelled on, will always dwell within my soul, never forgotten.

It is quite interesting how I have to keep reminding myself that life is not a show. It's not some drama that you watch on televisions. I have to stop this nonsense. No more tears. No more complicated nonsense. No more pain... Time to let it all go...

 

I know it's easier said than done. But you know what? Better say it than not and maybe by just saying it, it will become true one day. Letting go of the shame, letting go of the fear, letting go of the worries and letting go of the pain.. Slow and steady wins the race. There is no race that I want to win here. But I know, eventually I will be able to let go of everything that is holding me back. Now that I have said that I want to let go, can you do the same to? Let me go...

Don't tell me how evil I am, but tell yourself that and believe it.

Farewell,

I never loved you..

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.

There are still first times..!

Herrrooooowwww!~

THIS is my first time blogging with the ipad. I dont think i will be over creative or crazy with the colours because I am sure it will be pretty difficult to do so. So not used to blogging without a mouse and a proper keypad!

Anyway, about me.

Life seems to be pretty monotonous atm. Working every day (ex Sundays!) since Uni hasn't started. I think i like my job apart from the fact that I have to stand for the entire time I'm working. These days I actually hide in the toilet for a while just so that my legs can rest. But at least meeting new people and serving them helps me to let go of the sad things that are hanging on my chest. Seeing someone smile makes me smile which I believe is the best cure to any sad or depressing mood.

 I feel as though I am hiding. Hiding as long as I can from you. Because I am afraid. Afraid that when i see you, all the strength that I have within me that holds me together will burst into thin air which will leave me broken. Just like a shattered glass.

Just like a shattered glass...

Interesting that when a glass breaks onto the ground, my mum always tells us to be careful. Not to go near the 'crime' scene. That is because those broken pieces can hurt someone if they are not careful. When that someone gets hurt from pricking themselves with a piece glass, their blood will stain that piece of glass as well. So no matter what, both parties will be get hurt.

Is that why? Is that why you should keep your distance?

I wish i can gather up the courage to say no and push you away. I dont want you to get hurt. & i dont want to get hurt again.

I know. I'm not stupid. The time will come for me to face the difficult times. Somehow i just want to be as happy as I can for the time being just so when the hard times come, it wont be as bad because I had my share of happiness. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking. The higher cloud 9 is, the harder the fall.

Thank you for being cold to me. I know its what I need to move on.

Come on! I can do this..

It's as simple as ABC. Piece myself together, dont hurt others in the process, and continue to obey.
So much easier said than done. SO SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

어떡해?

Love, 
Hannah

Back to reality.

Hi there future self. One day I am very sure I will turn back and laugh at myself (as always) and mutter “those were the easier days”..

But for now, easier days seem far far away to me.

This little small town girl has just arrived back in Melbourne. The city that sleeps. Back into the arms of her siblings. Just the four of them. In one apartment. Noisy but loving and warm.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! How exciting. Single on a Valentine’s day. I’m sure its okay. I have spent V’day as a single lady before so why cry now?

Last year, I requested lesser roses than the year before. This year, no roses from you.

I’m sorry.

I feel like such a hypocrite. What you said about me was true. I don’t and I didn’t deserve all that you have given to me. Love and happiness and the warmth of having someone with me always. But thinking back of the times that we were together, what have I given to you? Nothing. Plain ol’ nothing.

He was a factor but he was not the factor.

Every where I go, I see you. Every breath I breathe, my soul crumbles.

I said I will spend my time back home finding Him, but I did not. And you know me well enough that I don’t mean what I say. So it is proven, hypocrite indeed. Liar as well.

You letting go of me would be a blessing, but for me it’s a curse. I have lost a jewel.

I know you were ready, but I’m not. Flawed at every single corner. Dirt and dust are all that contains within me.

Walking into my room today felt as if I walked through hall of shame. It was filled with love once, now it just feels cold. Memories came flooding in and overwhelmed me but I stood up and left that cold room for I could not bear its cruelty.

Even though it was I who said no, but it still feels as though the door slammed shut in my face instead.

Up until now I am not sure whether saying no was the right thing to do, but what is the point of thinking about it now and regretting it? What has been done, has already been done. It might just be the temptation of wanting your physical love once again. It might just be that I don’t want to be alone on this festive season. It might just be me, being the stupid me that I am.

Thank you.

I thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Even though I am not perfect myself, I judged you.

Forgive me?

I remember I told myself once that the word LOVE should not be used lightly as it means so much. And the meaning of it should not be downgraded. Now that I think of the word love, I feel so unworthy.

…

Dear God,

Only you can truly hear my heart’s cry. And You see all that’s been done, said, thought and heard. Forgive me Lord for I am a sinner just like the Israelites. Never grateful. Never appreciating Your love for me. Forgive me Lord as I have hurt many other people.

I asked for a punishment and You showed mercy. I asked for pain but You gave me love. God. I don’t deserve You but You are always there for me.

I pray, God, that You would heal those that I have caused pain to. Give them the comfort that they need to pick themselves back up on their feet. Heal their heart and overflow them with love and never ending happiness.

Sovereign. I was never used to that word. But You showed me it’s truest meaning in the most simplest manner. Through my fears and doubts, You made me see and believe that all is in control because You are for me and with me.

Give me clean hands, Oh Lord. Cleanse me from within. Renew me.

Judgment will come but all that matters is You.

In Your Son’s sweetest name, Amen.

…

Love,
Hannah

& they said 2012 was the end of the world.

Hello! & Happy New Years everyone!

As I grow older, I start to realize that time really waits for no man. No matter how much we want it to pass quickly or want it to slow down, it is constantly moving with a constant speed. Of course when you are having fun, it seems to pass by in a blink of an eye. But when grief and sadness are both overwhelming, time seems to have slowed down. Everybody will pass time differently.

When I was younger, celebrating the New Years have always been one of the ‘festive’ that I look forward to. My previous nanny used to force us to stand by the big door (frame) of the house and jump when the clock ticks after its last second of the year. She told me, jumping and making noises symbolize happiness and growth as a new year arrives. *how I miss you Aunty Agnes*

This year wasn’t as grand as last year’s. No fireworks. No new surrounding. No strangers around. But family and a cozy home. As we turned on TV3 and count down with the rest of Malaysia, we laughed and made noises (loud noises). 20..19..18..17.. This was when I started jumping and I looked at my sister (Hazel), she joined in. 16..15..14..13..12.. My mum blowing the pipe-thingy and my dad clapped his hands.. 11..10..9..8..7.. Our hearts raced.. 6..5..4.. Farewell 2013.. 3..2..1.. Hello 2014!

All smiles. Love and warmth surrounded the room. That was how I celebrated my New Year’s Day. I know some friends would just stare at me and think I’m lame, but family (for me) comes first. I know celebrating with friends can be fun, can be a totally different experience. But, it can never be the same without my family. The familiar warm hugs and the kisses are the kind of treasures I would never exchange anything with.

For those out there who are not celebrating this day with their loved ones, don’t be sad nor disheartened. There will always be the One above that smiles upon us, every day of our lives. That day, for me, will soon come when I will have to leave the nest and fly to independence. Soon. But for now, I’m learning to treasure and appreciate the times that I have with them that I love so dearly much.

Anyway, be good and I pray that God will watch over all of you. May His angels guide and shine their light upon your path that you will not be led astray. Love & be loved.

Love,
Hannah