Destroy me half might as well destroy me whole.

What happened to me yesterday is still a blur to me. Everything came by so fast that all I could feel was pain and all I wanted to do is to drown myself in the comfort of my single-sized bed. Reminding myself yet again, I'm still alive and single.

What does this picture say of me? I never understood until yesterday. Thank you for telling me who I really am. I'm a narcissist and I don't respect others and their feelings. Instead, I hurt people. I hurt people that come close to me. I don't listen to people's advices but I go ahead with what I feel is right, and the end result: hurt & pain & disappointment & regret.

Whom should I blame other than myself?

Why do you have such a perfect life? Studies, love and friends.. You have everything. Future is bright for you (not that we should listen to mediums but if its true then good for you) but my future, full of mistakes and full of pain. Why?

I lack self control and I lie. I lie to others and I lie to myself. Thinking to myself, the more I lie, it will become a truth. What a mistake. Such a mistake.

I..

Am a mistake.

Staring at my wall, the pictures hanging there, my past.. Can I turn back time? Turn back to the times when I don't have to lie to myself for a smile. When friends were always there for me..

Take me back or take me away. Take me away to where tears doesn't exist and where pain is not even in the dictionary. Take me back to when laughters and joy were never ending and the comfort of your warmth overflows within me. Bring me to where the Sky meets the Sea.

Maybe because I had my fair share of fun and laughters, maybe, just maybe, that's why I'm gradually not getting anymore of it.. If that is the reason then I can only accept it and I shall not regret my past. It is because of my past, that I am who I am and that I am how I am today. The many train tracks that I have travelled on, will always dwell within my soul, never forgotten.

It is quite interesting how I have to keep reminding myself that life is not a show. It's not some drama that you watch on televisions. I have to stop this nonsense. No more tears. No more complicated nonsense. No more pain... Time to let it all go...

 

I know it's easier said than done. But you know what? Better say it than not and maybe by just saying it, it will become true one day. Letting go of the shame, letting go of the fear, letting go of the worries and letting go of the pain.. Slow and steady wins the race. There is no race that I want to win here. But I know, eventually I will be able to let go of everything that is holding me back. Now that I have said that I want to let go, can you do the same to? Let me go...

Don't tell me how evil I am, but tell yourself that and believe it.

Farewell,

I never loved you..

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.