Dear you,
Why do we keep on fighting? On things like your phone? On things like clothes? Why? They are merely earthly things that should not matter and yet you can place them as your utmost importance and priority; to the fact that you are willing to sacrifice our sisterly relationship.
I was so shocked that you practically screamed at me when I was actually helping you to understand the bills, and by helping you, I just touched your phone screen. I do not recall 'banging' it. I do not recall scratching it. I know that I wasn't handling it in a rough manner. I just touched your phone and because of that I had to hear you scolding me over and over again for being 'dumb' and being 'stupid'. I went to the room to change and to contemplate whether or not to rebuke you and tell you that what you did to me was not right. & to what I expected, I got the wrong feedback for telling you that you were over-exaggerating.
Can you not see? Can you not see that you prioritise your material things above our relationship? Not only to me, but to the rest of those that love you? You told me that I can wear the blue pants because it looks nice on me and the condition was to treat it well and not wear it when you wanted to wear it. You know that clothes can drop from the chair and unto the floor without us knowing, and yet you choose to think that I chucked it on the floor and choose to allow that to make you angry to the fact that you are willing to humiliate me.
You wear my clothes too but just because you don't stretch them, you have the right to wear them and I don't? I am not being selfish. You can wear my clothes whenever you want but think for me for while instead of yourself. How is it easier to share when you are being selfish? How is it easier for me to see you wear my clothes with laughters and I know I should not say anything because that is being selfish, and on the other hand being scolded for wearing your clothes? You keep telling me to not ask you for things and I can wear them and use them, but you have your little mood swings; sometimes you are willing to share and sometimes you are not. Why?
You are not born any differently from any of us. Yes, you may have some extra health issues that require more attention, but don't use that as an excuse. See to it that you do things out of love. It is because of love that you are able to receive good things in life and yet you think you have the right to choose who and when they can receive good things from you? Not saying that you have to be good at the expense of your own security and wellbeing but don't not do it because you just feel like you are not in the mood.
I know it is wrong for me to say it here, but telling it to you upfront will not get me the result that I intend this message to be received. I can only just wish that you reflect on what I have just told you. I do not expect you to turn over a new leaf in 24 hours time but try, try to make an effort in to being more loving and selfless.
Do not gather material things on this earth and place them on top of your heart, because you know it is already wrong. By loving your phone so much that you can neglect the wellbeing of those around you shows who your actual master is. You can say that you are trying to search Him, but have you actually sat down and prayed, and want to get to know Him better through His word? From Alpha camp, many people has already said that experiencing Him is a beautiful thing but it is not one thing that we should prioritize on. How is it called faith if you are allowing yourself to indulge in waiting for Him to show Himself to you? Get to know Him more, and Who He is like, and maybe through there you will be able to realise How He can communicate to you.
I know I am a sinner just like you and I am not doing this to let you know that I am better. I am only doing this to send across a message that hopefully you will understand. I was hurt badly that you scolded me for no good reason, for not even asking or telling me properly that what I did was inappropriate. In my defense, I was shocked and I did not understand how and why I had to get screamed at over me touching your phone. I still am at a shock and I need my time to heal. I don't like it that I have to be a doormat to you that you can step on whenever you feel you want to lash out on me. I know I have a bigger capacity to take in more hurt and not lash it out on anyone and sleep it over and then the next day all will be good. But I am still human. I hope you understand that. I still have feelings. And just because I am older than you, I don't want to be tested on just so you can have fun and see how bad I fail as an older sibling. I fail too, do understand that. I am not much more older than you. There are times where my mood fails me, but I am learning to suppress them and not let them affect my relationships. I hope you try to do the same.
That is all I want to say. And I also want to say that I love you. Forgive me for 'banging' you phone and wearing your pants. I will not do that again.
Love,
Hannah
Love and keep loving.