Hi there future self. One day I am very sure I will turn back and laugh at myself (as always) and mutter “those were the easier days”..
But for now, easier days seem far far away to me.
This little small town girl has just arrived back in Melbourne. The city that sleeps. Back into the arms of her siblings. Just the four of them. In one apartment. Noisy but loving and warm.
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! How exciting. Single on a Valentine’s day. I’m sure its okay. I have spent V’day as a single lady before so why cry now?
Last year, I requested lesser roses than the year before. This year, no roses from you.
I’m sorry.
I feel like such a hypocrite. What you said about me was true. I don’t and I didn’t deserve all that you have given to me. Love and happiness and the warmth of having someone with me always. But thinking back of the times that we were together, what have I given to you? Nothing. Plain ol’ nothing.
He was a factor but he was not the factor.
Every where I go, I see you. Every breath I breathe, my soul crumbles.
I said I will spend my time back home finding Him, but I did not. And you know me well enough that I don’t mean what I say. So it is proven, hypocrite indeed. Liar as well.
You letting go of me would be a blessing, but for me it’s a curse. I have lost a jewel.
I know you were ready, but I’m not. Flawed at every single corner. Dirt and dust are all that contains within me.
Walking into my room today felt as if I walked through hall of shame. It was filled with love once, now it just feels cold. Memories came flooding in and overwhelmed me but I stood up and left that cold room for I could not bear its cruelty.
Even though it was I who said no, but it still feels as though the door slammed shut in my face instead.
Up until now I am not sure whether saying no was the right thing to do, but what is the point of thinking about it now and regretting it? What has been done, has already been done. It might just be the temptation of wanting your physical love once again. It might just be that I don’t want to be alone on this festive season. It might just be me, being the stupid me that I am.
Thank you.
I thank you for accepting me for who I am.
Even though I am not perfect myself, I judged you.
Forgive me?
I remember I told myself once that the word LOVE should not be used lightly as it means so much. And the meaning of it should not be downgraded. Now that I think of the word love, I feel so unworthy.
…
Dear God,
Only you can truly hear my heart’s cry. And You see all that’s been done, said, thought and heard. Forgive me Lord for I am a sinner just like the Israelites. Never grateful. Never appreciating Your love for me. Forgive me Lord as I have hurt many other people.
I asked for a punishment and You showed mercy. I asked for pain but You gave me love. God. I don’t deserve You but You are always there for me.
I pray, God, that You would heal those that I have caused pain to. Give them the comfort that they need to pick themselves back up on their feet. Heal their heart and overflow them with love and never ending happiness.
Sovereign. I was never used to that word. But You showed me it’s truest meaning in the most simplest manner. Through my fears and doubts, You made me see and believe that all is in control because You are for me and with me.
Give me clean hands, Oh Lord. Cleanse me from within. Renew me.
Judgment will come but all that matters is You.
In Your Son’s sweetest name, Amen.
…
Love,
Hannah
