Hello there!
I'm really sorry that my last post was quite some time ago. And I won't be posting this if I didn't want to procrastinate. Yes, I'm running away from a dreadful assignment. Ah well...
Anyway, I've got a month more till exams. Oh my, how fast has time flew by?! Right? In a way, it's scary. It's scary to know that I have not been doing much whilst happily letting time slip past me. It's also scary to know that I need to cramp 9 weeks of materials into my head within this one month period. But again, what should scare me more? Life itself or the Creator of this life?
Awake my soul and sing
Of Him who died for me
And hail Him as thy matchless King
Through all eternity.
(Crown Him - Chris Tomlin ft Kari Jobe)
In my doubts, and trust me when I say that I have many doubts, He is the only constant in my life.
I do pray that He hears me and hears my cries. Somehow, it's not working. I'm sure there must be a reason as to why I'm sick and that I'm confused, but at the moment, it is as though He is really distant from me. There are things that I do not want and do not need in my life, how do I remove them? Asking Him to do it, it doesn't seem to go away yet. Not yet. Why not yet? Why not now? I don't want to cry about it later on, but it feels like I would. The cycle of my bad habits continue on even when I want it to stop.
Looking on the brighter side of things, at least I know I should stop. At least I know that it is not right. I just need a way out.
On another note, somehow this has been going on for some time already, every time that I'm rostered to lead worship, I would either fall sick before or after that Sunday. I wonder why. Hmm~ taking medicine seems to help a little bit. Let's just keep praying that I'll be fine.
In a month and a few weeks time, I'll be home. Home sweet home. Would it all be the same? I don't think so. But change can be a good thing, right? I'm not forcing myself to be optimistic, i just truly want it to be good. If He wills it, it must be for the good, right?
You asked me to go on a short journey and relive my best moments. It sparked something. It sparked this fire that I have had kept away for a while. When I was thinking back to the time when gong gong (grand dad) was still around, I wish I could've talked to him more before he left us. So many memories that I have kept away because I believed that it would cause me to grow weaker, as if moving forward would break myself away from the past. I just realised that I can never be torn away from my past, it makes me what I am today. Embrace the past and lunge forward.
You've given life, You've opened my eyes..
You've entered my heart, You've set me apart..
(Thank You Jesus - Hillsong Worship)
I'm not going to be vain and think that many are trying to pursue me, I just want to be careful not to make opportunities arise. After months of being single, I'm not going to say its fun and I won't say its the worst decision I've made. It's just that readjusting myself can be quite a challenge. Realising that every thing that I do and say can cause misunderstandings that will be difficult to unknot later on. Need. To. Be. Very. Careful. And. Mindful.
My goal still stands. Be rooted and not be distracted. This time, adding another: and don't distract.
:) that's all for today. A bit too late to think of what else to say.. Tbh, not really sure whether whatever I've written even makes sense or not. Oh well, too bad.
Till next time then.
Much love,
Hannah L.
Love and keep loving.