It is all about timing. His timing..

The heart of man plans his way, but The Lord establishes his steps. {Proverbs 16:9}

 

No matter what I do to make sure my plans work, if it is not in His plan, it will not happen. Not saying that He wanted me to skip my classes today, but I did. Honestly, I was so pumped before I went to sleep. Can see my friend in Uni, and able to gain more knowledge on this subject at such an unearthly hour, who would not be pumped?! Well, apparently when I woke up to off my alarm, I was not pumped. Maybe pumped but only pumped to sleep, of course!

 

Out of the way, games, and out of the way, movies and shows! I am now planning to start revision. *it is only week 8* sigh.

I always get pumped but my motivation will fade soon enough. Hopefully this time around, I will try to put in more effort. I just need more time. I only managed to go through 2 weeks of revision of one subject! That leaves 6 more weeks of revision on that subject and 3 other subjects that I have not yet touched. Oh gawd.. Why is it that it is so difficult to be a good student?

 

Like I said, it is all in His timing, I am sure everything will be well if it has been planned to :)

 

With relationships as well, no point forcing a relationship now when it is not at the right time? Say for example, a fruit, it is not ripe, but if you plucked it out of its 'source', it will stop growing and it will just continue to be not-ready.

 

As a little girl, I had many dreams. But slowly as I grow up, I start to realise that dreaming is always possible but in reality, it is often just a dream that will not come true unless your eyes are kept closed. I wanted to travel and play and meet new people, but my energy drains super fast these days, especially when meeting new people. It is getting more difficult to remember people's names and getting harder to continue to be interested in getting to know more of them at a deeper level. My conversations can usually travel far but recently it stops are 'what are you doing at the moment? studying? working? travelling?' and then it stops at 'oh you are a barista! I make coffee too..' -_-

 

When and where did I start losing this passion?

 

I hope one day, in His timing, that I still get to go to places and meet new people and tell people the good news. I hope this dream will be a reality, in His timing.

 

Sidetrack: I might get gout when I grow older. Actually I think many people will get gout, so why not just enjoy... SOYMILK! :D I get to steam my own soymilk and get to add sugar to it and enjoy it as much as I want to. Will buy soymilk before heading back & I am planning to make more cupcakes! *sooooooooo going to get chubbier* oh, apparently if you have more flesh on your face, you are actually a kind person. So getting fat is a good thing!

 

PS: I'm just blabbering.

Love,

Hannah

Love and keep loving.

I have given myself 5 years

Hello my fellow blog readers :)

 

As you (should) have known, I have broken up with my ex-boyfriend like 5 months ago. It is still a rough patch, I don't think break ups are easy and the after math is even worse. But I'm taking things slowly and hopefully during this time I am able to grow as an individual sprout and not be influenced by others, other than Him.

 

But I just realised, there are so many temptations out there. The devil is not hesitating to point out (with spotlight) other guys out there that are single and may-be-potentials. Seriously, I can do better than this. My heart is softening, and my mind is slowly giving in.. THIS IS NOT EASY!

 

No, I am not physically attracted (I mean sexually), but my heart is just super soft now (like goo) that any guy that comes my way with a smile and a good topic to chat about, I think my heart will just jump on him. NO! This can NOT happen. I must remember to lead my heart, not to follow my heart as our hearts can be deceiving.

 

Focus.

Honour parents. (which also means with STUDIES)

Serve God. (which mean ministries)

Grow. (which means discipline)

 

I can do this. I just need less distractions. But I cannot just NOT leave the house because the world is full of temptations. (even at home, the freaking red velvet cupcake looks so delicious and its within arm's reach)

 

*sigh* I just need to continue to immerse myself with godly songs, godly people and of course, His word. Never forgetting to pray and talk to Him :) I am sure I can do this. 5 years should not be that long. That's like 25. It's the right age. The 'ripe' age. *heh*

 

Ah well, so that is just me, checking in. & communicating my struggles (petty ones). I guess everyone has their own struggles and their own ways of dealing with them. I, personally, love to share my struggles unless they are super inappropriate (then it will be thrown into the pit of stupidity).

 

I shall declare now (I hope this works) that every guy that I talk to and know and even just meet on the streets (practically every male on this earth) will be objects that are sexless. xD [thanks to Serene for the tip]

So that means.. they are sexless people. or genderless. I have forgotten the specific word that she used. But it just means that I view them like an object (for an example, a chair or lamp or cloth), they have no 'sex/gender/whateveryouwanttonameit'.

 

I feel much better now. Though I foresee that I will be complaining more that it isn't working, but at least, I know I am trying.

 

PS: I need to not be greedy. No expectations. If He has planned it to be simple, it shall be simple, and I shall be grateful. :) [you don't know what I am talking about but I will reveal it when the time has come]

 

Love,

Hannah

 

I took this picture at the Aquarium (Melbourne). Reminds me that God is not dull but rather He is the creator of all colurful beings, like me and you. *\(^o^)/*

 

Love and keep loving.

Change is a must if you want to stay the same

Dear you,

 

 

 

You have turned 17 today! *yay*

 

I just want to thank you for being such a good brother to me, even though you are my only brother, I could not wish for a better one than you. It was really pleasant to see how you have grown from 'clingy & protective' to 'yu-gi-oh craze fan' to 'want-to-be cool guy' to an actually cool guy :)

 

For the past few months, I actually thought we have lost all of our trust for one another. We seldom communicate and whenever we do, we would end up sighing and walking away from one another. But after seeing your reaction today when we surprised you with the cupcakes and presents, I could not believe that you were still the you I knew long ago - a simple guy that doesn't expect much but only love from those you love.

 

I know it was not easy for you to open to us yesterday about your new-addition and how you met. But thank you for still trying even though we can seem judgy and prejudice about it. We are all siblings after all and we seldom try and hide things from one another. I really hope we will never end up at that stage. I just want us all to be able to share and talk things out. It will never be easy to open up when you know the other party may not be as receptive as you would like them to be, but if you take up the courage to try, I'm sure it is better than keeping it all in.

 

In a sense, it is a process that we all need to go through. Because we are all growing at the same time, and we are changing differently as well; in order to have things staying the same way as it was before, we need to change ourselves. Just like wanting to keep the paint on the wall as white as snow all the time, repainting it is a must because it is constantly gathering moulds and dust that will discolour it.

 

All I can wish for for you is that you continue to grow. Do not stay lukewarm in your faith; you can only either be cold or hot but never in the middle. Honour your parents and remember that He is always watching. Not only will He be watching, He will also be there to guide and lead you only if you allow Him to. Lead your heart instead of following your heart because your heart can be very deceiving. When you know you have done something wrong, never lock up the word 'sorry' but allow it out of your mouth with sincerity. Love, and let love.

 

I love you, my forever little brother, now and always.

 

Love,

Hannah

 

Love and keep loving.

I am no better than anyone

Dear you,

Why do we keep on fighting? On things like your phone? On things like clothes? Why? They are merely earthly things that should not matter and yet you can place them as your utmost importance and priority; to the fact that you are willing to sacrifice our sisterly relationship.

I was so shocked that you practically screamed at me when I was actually helping you to understand the bills, and by helping you, I just touched your phone screen. I do not recall 'banging' it. I do not recall scratching it. I know that I wasn't handling it in a rough manner. I just touched your phone and because of that I had to hear you scolding me over and over again for being 'dumb' and being 'stupid'. I went to the room to change and to contemplate whether or not to rebuke you and tell you that what you did to me was not right. & to what I expected, I got the wrong feedback for telling you that you were over-exaggerating.

Can you not see? Can you not see that you prioritise your material things above our relationship? Not only to me, but to the rest of those that love you? You told me that I can wear the blue pants because it looks nice on me and the condition was to treat it well and not wear it when you wanted to wear it. You know that clothes can drop from the chair and unto the floor without us knowing, and yet you choose to think that I chucked it on the floor and choose to allow that to make you angry to the fact that you are willing to humiliate me.

You wear my clothes too but just because you don't stretch them, you have the right to wear them and I don't? I am not being selfish. You can wear my clothes whenever you want but think for me for while instead of yourself. How is it easier to share when you are being selfish? How is it easier for me to see you wear my clothes with laughters and I know I should not say anything because that is being selfish, and on the other hand being scolded for wearing your clothes? You keep telling me to not ask you for things and I can wear them and use them, but you have your little mood swings; sometimes you are willing to share and sometimes you are not. Why?

You are not born any differently from any of us. Yes, you may have some extra health issues that require more attention, but don't use that as an excuse. See to it that you do things out of love. It is because of love that you are able to receive good things in life and yet you think you have the right to choose who and when they can receive good things from you? Not saying that you have to be good at the expense of your own security and wellbeing but don't not do it because you just feel like you are not in the mood.

I know it is wrong for me to say it here, but telling it to you upfront will not get me the result that I intend this message to be received. I can only just wish that you reflect on what I have just told you. I do not expect you to turn over a new leaf in 24 hours time but try, try to make an effort in to being more loving and selfless.

Do not gather material things on this earth and place them on top of your heart, because you know it is already wrong. By loving your phone so much that you can neglect the wellbeing of those around you shows who your actual master is. You can say that you are trying to search Him, but have you actually sat down and prayed, and want to get to know Him better through His word? From Alpha camp, many people has already said that experiencing Him is a beautiful thing but it is not one thing that we should prioritize on. How is it called faith if you are allowing yourself to indulge in waiting for Him to show Himself to you? Get to know Him more, and Who He is like, and maybe through there you will be able to realise How He can communicate to you.

I know I am a sinner just like you and I am not doing this to let you know that I am better. I am only doing this to send across a message that hopefully you will understand. I was hurt badly that you scolded me for no good reason, for not even asking or telling me properly that what I did was inappropriate. In my defense, I was shocked and I did not understand how and why I had to get screamed at over me touching your phone. I still am at a shock and I need my time to heal. I don't like it that I have to be a doormat to you that you can step on whenever you feel you want to lash out on me. I know I have a bigger capacity to take in more hurt and not lash it out on anyone and sleep it over and then the next day all will be good. But I am still human. I hope you understand that. I still have feelings. And just because I am older than you, I don't want to be tested on just so you can have fun and see how bad I fail as an older sibling. I fail too, do understand that. I am not much more older than you. There are times where my mood fails me, but I am learning to suppress them and not let them affect my relationships. I hope you try to do the same.

That is all I want to say. And I also want to say that I love you. Forgive me for 'banging' you phone and wearing your pants. I will not do that again.

Love,

Hannah

Love and keep loving.

He has His ways..

Oh I have sinned badly today. So badly that He had to rebuke me. Which doesn't happen that obviously, usually.

Well, I woke up early (7am) but then I thought to myself, I might be a tad too early so I decided to sleep back for another half an hour. What a mistake! I knew, I knew that when I go back to sleep, I will be more inclined to not get up. Which was what had happened. I was supposed to go to work at 9am but, like a serpent, I find blame on others and decided to just indulge more on my sleep. I blamed my employer that she did not set a time for me to go to work (which she usually does the night before), but I knew deep within that it is such a routine that she need not do it anymore. *sigh*

So I slept till 11.30am, unaware that my employer has been calling me but I had my mobile on silent (as per usual). Finally I got up and told her that I was sorry, and she said to go in to work anyway, and I was shocked. Despite the shock, (I imagined she would just say, it's okay and no more next time, kind of thing) I got ready to leave the house. Now in a tram, this is when I usually have my quiet time, to reflect and to read the Bible. As I opened the Bible app, there will always be the 'verse of the day' that will pop up and greet you. This is how He rebuked me. " In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of The Lord Jesus, how he himself said " It is more blessed to give than to receive"' - Acts 20:35. Not saying that my employer is weak, but I interpreted it as 'in need of help' and that I always expect that she treats me well and gives me food, instead, I have never thought of giving my best at work and never had it on top of my head that I should be doing what she expects of me.

Ah. He has His ways, always will have His way of rebuking His children. I am dead, Pastor N (from yesterday's sermon), I am spiritually dead. However, knowing this is not enough, I also believe that in His own timing, I shall be born again :) Now, to face my angry(?) employer.

My hope is in You!

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

My hour has not yet come

I know it is not right to take things out of context but testing and trying Him is really a kind of 'taboo' in a sense. But I guess, by doing so, I realised that He indeed knows me and what is deep within my heart. Patience is what I need.

What i did was to climb up the ladder and even though I knew it wasn't VERY safe, I wanted to test Him and see whether my time has come. So that was my story.. I mean, an atheist can come up and tell me that it maybe just me overthinking things; the ladder may be very secure and safe by itself already so the chances of me falling over would be really low. Everyone has their own opinion. But when I was at the top of the ladder, i know it was a 50-50. I could have fallen at any given time but I was in safe hands.

This is exactly what I mean. I just need to trust Him. Let go of all the fears and the worries but to just hold onto Him and say "if I fall, You will be there to catch me". It is scary, where I am now, I am terrified. But in my darkest moments, He will still be shining ever brighter. No left turn and no right turn, I have already decided on what I want and what i need now, so just keep moving forward. There is no turning back.

This is amazing grace and there will be no failing love.

 

★

Hannah L.

Ps: i bought an app to blog on my ipad & i have also upgraded my iPad's cover to one that has a Bluetooth keyboard :) yay-yers. So I will be ranting more often now and just trashing on my blog. Yippy!

Love and keep loving.

Destroy me half might as well destroy me whole.

What happened to me yesterday is still a blur to me. Everything came by so fast that all I could feel was pain and all I wanted to do is to drown myself in the comfort of my single-sized bed. Reminding myself yet again, I'm still alive and single.

What does this picture say of me? I never understood until yesterday. Thank you for telling me who I really am. I'm a narcissist and I don't respect others and their feelings. Instead, I hurt people. I hurt people that come close to me. I don't listen to people's advices but I go ahead with what I feel is right, and the end result: hurt & pain & disappointment & regret.

Whom should I blame other than myself?

Why do you have such a perfect life? Studies, love and friends.. You have everything. Future is bright for you (not that we should listen to mediums but if its true then good for you) but my future, full of mistakes and full of pain. Why?

I lack self control and I lie. I lie to others and I lie to myself. Thinking to myself, the more I lie, it will become a truth. What a mistake. Such a mistake.

I..

Am a mistake.

Staring at my wall, the pictures hanging there, my past.. Can I turn back time? Turn back to the times when I don't have to lie to myself for a smile. When friends were always there for me..

Take me back or take me away. Take me away to where tears doesn't exist and where pain is not even in the dictionary. Take me back to when laughters and joy were never ending and the comfort of your warmth overflows within me. Bring me to where the Sky meets the Sea.

Maybe because I had my fair share of fun and laughters, maybe, just maybe, that's why I'm gradually not getting anymore of it.. If that is the reason then I can only accept it and I shall not regret my past. It is because of my past, that I am who I am and that I am how I am today. The many train tracks that I have travelled on, will always dwell within my soul, never forgotten.

It is quite interesting how I have to keep reminding myself that life is not a show. It's not some drama that you watch on televisions. I have to stop this nonsense. No more tears. No more complicated nonsense. No more pain... Time to let it all go...

 

I know it's easier said than done. But you know what? Better say it than not and maybe by just saying it, it will become true one day. Letting go of the shame, letting go of the fear, letting go of the worries and letting go of the pain.. Slow and steady wins the race. There is no race that I want to win here. But I know, eventually I will be able to let go of everything that is holding me back. Now that I have said that I want to let go, can you do the same to? Let me go...

Don't tell me how evil I am, but tell yourself that and believe it.

Farewell,

I never loved you..

Hannah L.

 

Love and keep loving.