Wednesday, 21092011
Dear Diary,
Now I am starting to feel like I’m being attacked.
Finally!
And I thought I would be pretty blessed to just live on a normal life without feeling like I’m under attacked, like I’m the only one swimming against the current. Well, I guess my time has arrived.
Those absences that I had for my classes is now finally IN MY FACE! nice.
My English teacher had to have a meeting with me, my Aunt and my Sister. AWESOME!
I loved their sarcasm. I loved their lies. I loved the way they tormented me and most importantly they made me cry. I really appreciate their effort. They succeeded. Now, I don’t like my school. Perfect! I feel like I’m BACK in HIGH SCHOOL. oh wait. I WAS in High SCHOOL the whole time.
I’ve made them wonder, how is it possible that I can have such nice marks and still fail to attend school. Hmm~
Seriously, I don’t like where I am now. I actually felt like my comfort zone was being invaded. I felt so uncomfy! & how dare she say that I actually missed one whole week of school! That’s just a joke! I have never missed a whole week of school! The nearest to that equation will only be missing 3 out of 4 lessons of that week and I will make sure I attend at least 1 period! =____=
I am not a bad student. Not a bad daughter but I’m not perfect either. I feel so heart broken to know that someone so close to me doubts me. Well if I wasn’t in school, I KNOW well enough that I won’t go somewhere else! Even if I were to be out of the house and not in school, I know better to go and study and do something useful! Don’t doubt me. You can hate me. You can call me a bitch. But don’t think that I’m stupid enough to run away from school and home and do something that is not good for me. I know who I am & to be someone close to me, you should know better.
Well, back to the meeting. There’s a question that I despise the most. that is: “what are you going to do?”. I felt like yelling. Felt like saying.. “WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?!” I know what I’m going to do. I know what I am doing. Don’t think that I’m a child. DON’T! The only reason why I can’t get up and go to school is because I slept late. That’s it! I’m not some stupid depressed bitch that hates school, that drinks the night before school and purposely intend to not go to school. PUH-LEASE!
I have said it more than once. I am sorry I can’t wake up. I am sorry that I did not attend your class. What I can do to improve that? Well, try to wake up and get my ass to school. I am doing that! geez! You don’t know how hard it is for me. In fact no one knows. Haha~
I just wish that when I die, someone can just open up my heart and see how much scars there are inside of me. But that is impossible, because it isn’t visible to see how scared your heart is. It isn’t possible to see how broken it is. It will just show a heart. A normal heart that has stopped beating.
I have no one. No one at all that I can lean on. No one physical to listen to my troubles, to wipe away my tears, to heal my brokenness, to hug me and tell me that he/she will be there for me. Yup. I am just perfectly fine with that smile on my face. Happily brushing away all my fears and tears.
I can’t even talk to God. I think I have sinned so badly that He wouldn’t listen to me. If only..
You know how they attacked me? I held back my tears. I kept my tears away from rolling down until she had to mention ‘mom’. Yes. No one can be my mom other my mum herself. I just don’t like it when she mentioned my mum. I felt like asking her to shut up. To stop pulling my mum or any of my family members in. Because she doesn’t know how it feels to be all alone, to keep all her secrets in her little heart and have all her troubles and worries stuffed in her tiny brain, unable to let it go and to feel a little assurance. No. I have no more strength. I don’t know how much longer I can last.
Previously, I was able to let most of my troubles go even with or without someone there to listen to me. How? By swimming. I just feel like swimming it off. Swimming all these emptiness in me. All these pests that is eating me from the inside out.
No, I am fine. I will just go and wash my face now. Look into my own eyes through the mirror and tell myself, everything is going to be okay. And smile.
Love, Hannah
