Freedom – by Hannah
Waiting here, in the darkness, feeling so small, so fragile and so lonely. “What have I done wrong? Why does this have to happen to me?” I asked myself bitterly over and over again in my heart silently, tears flood my eyes. Emptiness without you, your love and your presence – the only family I had left and they just have to take you away from me.
“Run, RUN as fast as you can and don’t turn back..” this was the last thing that you said to me and it still haunts me. I kept thinking to myself, what if I hadn’t run? What if I stayed by your side and let them get both of us together? At least I know I wouldn’t be lonely and that you wouldn’t have leave my side. Regret and the feeling of stupidity fill my heart – that is if I still have one. I don’t blame you now, I know you wanted me to keep this life and to cherish it. To see the world was your dream but you gave it to me instead. You had dreams that you could reach and I had none but you still sacrificed for me. Freedom you thought you gave me, but inside of me, I feel as if I’m locked up, restricted and unable to spread my wings the way you would have if only you had this ‘freedom’.
The Japanese invaded my country when I was only 8 years old. I lost my parents and my 2 other siblings when they decided to bomb our village. Fortunately, my brother and I were in the nearby river washing our clothes and that was when we heard the loud cries and explosives. “No..!” I started to run back to our village but he held me tightly in his arms and closed my ears. “Shh, everything is going to be okay. Pa and Ma will be alright and so will Jo and Rae. Shh, I’m here..” That was a lie. We hid behind the waterfall for hours until the bombings ended and when the sky turned dark. I feel warmth on my cheek even when the water is cool against my skin. I prayed silently in my heart, prayed that God will have mercy on us that somehow everything will be alright. Xun held my hands in his big and assuring hand when we head back to our home. Ruins and bodies were everywhere. I saw my friendly neighbor that always brings food over for us, lying on the ground with her eyes fixed with shock and terror. We searched around and eventually we found our family. Dead. I still remember seeing Pa on the ground and Rae in his arms as if he were protecting her from harm. Xun found Jo not far from Ma, both of them had their arms extended towards each other. “Maa, Paa.. Wake up, Reen is here. Reen finished washing our clothes with Xun already. Ma.. You promised to teach me how to cook, how to dress up and how to fold the clothes. Pa.. You haven’t taught me how to ride the bike you just bought for me. Please wake up. Please don’t leave Reen. Pa..” I knelt on the floor near Ma while Xun just held me in his arms. I remember we cried together and fell asleep on the cold floor by the side of my parents and siblings.
Xun and I woke up the next day and I just felt as if the world collapsed. Clueless and lost. We prayed together before burying all of our family members. This was what we carved on a piece of wood and placed it on where we buried them.
Pa,
Loving and Caring you are
Always providing us with our daily needs
Even when your body fails you at times.
You taught us to endure hardships with a smile,
You taught us to enjoy life as it comes
And you were always there to lighten up the mood.
Ma,
Sweeter than honey
As graceful as a swan
As protective as a mother bear with her cubs
The warmth of your smile
Will always be remembered.
Jo & Rae,
Happy feet you both have
Laughing even when times weren’t right for it
Pranks were all you both could think of
Fun and games were all you know
But your absences will leave a scar in our hearts.
May God see that all of you are well rested and well used in His Kingdom
I only pray that you will look after both Xun and I from above.
Love, Reen & Xun
We didn’t have much on us so we decided to grab food and money from the village houses to start our journey for a better life. But not long after, Xun left. All I remembered is that there was 5 of them and they came after us. My skirt got caught by the thorns of a plant and he came back to save me. But they shot him. He pushed me and he told me to run. He threw me the bag of our belongings and told me to run as far as I could, without him. Without him. I ran and ran until my legs could not run any further. I collapsed to the ground and finally dared to look back. Hoping to see someone coming after me. Hoping that Xun had my back all along. Hoping that none of these had happened. Hoping that I had stayed by his side. After I sat there crying for a while, I decided to head back where we separated just to find his body and bury him. But I could not find his body; I knew where we separated because my skirt got torn up by the plant. I walked for hours just hoping to find him, longing to see that smile and to be able to feel protected just by being in his arms. I felt so lost, so vulnerable and so numb. I felt as if my heart was broken into a million pieces, perhaps even became dust and got blown away.
I blacked out after several days of walking without food. The next thing I remembered was that white ceiling and the fan that kept giving squeaks. A nurse attended to me after I tried getting up but failed due to the weakness of my arms. The nurse explained that a noble lad found me and brought me to the hospital. He left me a note with his contact details. Which still reminds me, I might have it around my room somewhere? Well, after a couple of days in the hospital they allowed me to leave but I hadn’t anywhere to go so I offered myself to volunteer as a nurse. This way I had food and shelter. Eventually after years of training I was appointed to be the head nurse of the army nurse troops and I even got paid.
Life just became a thing I had to get pass every day. Doing the same thing over and over again. Seeing injured soldiers and even failing to heal them leads to seeing dead bodies even more often. Life even became a thing that is alright to be lost once in a while. I feel as if I’m bound to this circle of life, as if it’s a very normal thing to see death happen every so often. Even restricted to want to make things better, want to make life worth living for them. But it is all out of my control. Life and death isn’t a thing that we can control. It has been a long time since I felt happiness, so long since I felt like a little girl. I lost my childhood. The days where a girl my age would adore and look back smiling, thinking to themselves about how fun and naïve life was back then. Well, I had it all different. Mine was dark, gloomy, and lonely.
I might have been given the freedom to live. But I haven’t given myself the freedom to release myself. Feels like if I opened myself up, the door would just slam in my face again, probably even harder. I miss them. I miss my family. I miss their laughter and the happiness they gave me. I miss my life.
Love, Hannah
PS: I hoped you liked it. Well. I don’t! Tears kept flooding my eyes!! :)
