Back to school! Yr 11 Term 4 Day 1!

Oh my lovely sun. where are you hiding again?

Shivering in the cold, cycled to school.

First lesson: PE! oh. awesome. had to brainstorm. (my only yr 12 sub) & my marks were.. just above average. :( gotta push already! :/

Recess: Cissy cut her hair! omigosh. 很美啊！ so jealous! ish.. I want to cut my hair too.. this long hair is pissing me off because its growing so slowly!!! :X

Third lesson: Math. Calculus. I feel, smart! Oh sweet chain rule and product rule! :) mmm~ got me some workin’ brain. :D

4th lesson: business. Dean. still can’t control the overly noised up class. :/ pity.

5th lesson: English. nothing great.

well. the day passed by just normally. :)

what shall I do to pump in excitement back into my life?

don’t want to let the always-moving-in-one-direction society to push me with them!

mustn't let that happen! no no no.

Read Jerome’s blog today. how we have grown up.. such innocence before.. *smiles* Church buddies.. Serene, Yan Wen, Jerome & I since 7. Joshua is in and out constantly. Patrick & Angela joined in 2009. My home sweet CHURCH. Can’t wait to go home!! :D

Read 姐’s blog as well. Almost cried again. :/ I look so CINAPIAO today. my eyes were so puffy already.. not letting it happen again!! :D anyway, Jie said she walked down our memory lane and so how we have changed, physically. Well, DUH, of course we’d be fatter! Omigosh. How was I that.. thin before?!!! *killmenowplease!* haha..

so embarrassed to see how geeky I was. well, I’m still am. Oh crap! :P

Who cares? As long as I’m still me on the inside. HannahLeongWaiSan梁慧珊 is my name! Remember that! Teehee.

Love, Hannah

come, join me on my walk down my memory lane..

from the most recent till the very start.. :)

sigh.

I was a bigger baby than Joelynn!

Hello my dear readers,

It has been a TOUGH week for me lately.. Had so much going on that I just lost track with whatever I was doing.

Lost my way. it was bad. so bad.

I betrayed all that I love, I betrayed myself and especially GOD.

I led myself to believe what Satan would want me to believe in which is this: God is so disappointed in you, He has turned away from you because you have sinned so badly, Others will judge you and point fingers at you if you tell anyone what you have done.

That was what I believed in for the last few days.. it was DEPRESSING! I felt so lonely. So useless. So stupid. So hopeless. So weak. So tired. So.. Unclean.

But today I decided to tell Maria. I decided to open up and cry for help. To let someone know that I need help. That I need some strength and encouragement to run back to Him, Him who loves me so much that He was willing to die for me even if I am the only one on this earth.

Maria told me that its what Satan does. Lies to us and that makes us even weaker, even more fragile and useless.I thank God that He is in control. That he led Maria into my life. He led me to seek Pastor Lou the other day in footsteps. Led me to ask for his help for prayer. Then God led Pastor Lou to ask Maria to mentor me. I believe all happens for a reason. That is why I love God so much.

I have repented. (sort of, haven’t told my parents.) I have talked to Jie about my problems, I have patched up the holes in our relationship. We bawled our eyes together. And I think I will look CHINESE tomorrow when I go to school! haha (oh wait, when I go to school later in another 6 hours. EEKS!) I thank God that He gave me the strength to talk things through between me and Jie. Relief.

I now believe that all is possible in Him. Just turn back to Him. No matter what I have done wrong, He will surely forgive me. Run back to Him as fast as possible because He is waiting with wide and opened arms. :) I love Him. (full.stop.)

He has indeed done great things. (currently listening to God is able by Hillsongs) For the Lord, Our God is able!!

Oh. You must be wondering why my title is my title for today’s post. Joelynn is Pastor Sandy’s and Maria’s 1 year old daughter. She’s A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E! Anyway, when I was having my H2HT (heart to heart talk) with Maria, I cried. & I think I cried worst than a baby would. haha! I felt like a baby. :P

Oh well, it made me who I am now. I’m actually smiling. A mistake is a mistake and it will be in the past that molds my future. :)

After talking to Maria and Jie. and Eunice and Serence, And Rachel. I feel so much lighter. I feel so weightless! I feel like my smile is more genuine now. My old self is returning. I hope. Fingers crossed!

Love the Lord. Love God. Love myself. Love my family. Love my friends. Love all!

its all about Love – Receiving and Giving.

Love, Hannah

PS: School starts in another 6 hours plus! *argh*

PPS: Eunice is my prayer partner and I’m going to have a TEA-DATE with her! can’t wait!

PPPS: I miss my friends. To all of you (so many that I am SO LAZY TO TYPE), I’m sorry I made distance an excuse that kept us apart. Do know I’m still here for you. Do know that I am always your gal! :)

PPPPS: I miss you DADDY! Its such a nice shot of you don’t you think? haha! Makes me remember how you’re so business like in your working clothes.

PPPPPS: I miss you MUMMY! You’re the greatest! 사랑해요 don’t know what has gotten into you with korean but I love it! :) we shall learn together 엄마.

PPPPPPS: please note that what I will tell you (mummy and daddy) might be shocking. But I will still tell you. Do know this before hand. I love you and I meant no harm.

love Google translate! *shakes*

已经快五点了。姐在我旁边睡着个好觉。嘻嘻！

我开玩笑罢了啦。teehee!

不知道我为什么不能睡觉。我的眼睛很像要关起来了但是也总不能睡觉!

心事？可能吧。但是我不敢跟您分享。太夸张了。

我只希望老天爷会体谅我和我的心事。帮我快把它解决起来。

哦！我的华语真的很好笑列！哎呀，不管了啦。麻烦到头都痛起来了！

爱，慧珊

When.I.lose.my.w.a.y..

Its psychology.

When its really cold, tell yourself your not & you wouldn’t feel as cold anymore.

same concept! :)

I really love this picture! Its like my album cover but sadly I wouldn’t DARE publish any of my songs.. plus its not even good enough. HAHA!

********************************************************************************

02102011, Sunday

Was in the worship band for the evening service. Colin’s band of course.

Some usual people.. Colin, Hazel, ME, Jo & Lip. New members? Linda & Nic. Danana & Hervey(?) in the sound system.

lovely time of worship. loved the sermon! especially the sermon. No one noticed this but I sort of cried after singing the last song. (thank GOD I didn’t tie up my hair)

The sermon was on ‘No escape’ by Pastor Sandy. (Hebrews 12:14-27)

Warning and Encouragement

¹⁴ Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵ See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ¹⁶ See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. ¹⁷ Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.

The Mountain of Fear and the Mountain of Joy

¹⁸ You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; ¹⁹ to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, ²⁰ because they could not bear what was commanded: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned to death.”^{[c] 21} The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, “I am trembling with fear.”^[d]

²² But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, ²³ to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴ to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

²⁵ See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? ²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”^{[e] 27} The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.

He said this one part that got me thinking. “Hardship is the OPPORTUNITY to reap the finest harvest” – verse 14. NLT:   Try to live in peace with everyone, and seek to live a clean and holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. (NLT - Tyndale House)

currently I am finding it difficult to move forward. I feel like I’m stuck. I know its wrong to not move forward and feel comfortable with where I am at the moment. Help me Lord. I wish to have the strength. I have my exams coming up. School starts next week! I haven’t finished my homework and I am sort of living THE life? :(

As soft as a feather of the bird

As gentle as a mother’s touch

As charming as the gem that shines under the light

As sweet as pure honey

All of which I desire

Yet something has to be sacrificed

Earthly pleasures they are

Only temporary happiness

Temporary satisfaction

Wake up says He

“Turn your eyes to me & only me

Double the happiness you’ll gain

Triple all of the earthly pleasures you desire

In my kingdom you shall seek

greater treasures & worldly peace

Turn Your eyes on me

& the things of this earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of my glory and grace.”

Weak is the word to define me.

Weak against sins, desires and pleasures! Too weak.

I wanted to let go. Wanted to feel how its like to just cross the line. So close to just feeling the pleasure from this ‘earthly treasures’. So close.

What stopped me? It felt weird. Perhaps ‘cause I’ve never done it before & also there was this little voice in my head (like an alarm) that kept going on and on. My heart beat increased. Suddenly it felt as if I died and woke up again, alert. :/

This reminds me of the verse.. 1Cor10:13 - ¹³ No temptation^[a] has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted^[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,^[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

So I believe that little voice and this conscience is Him. So glad that He is always there.. :)

Well I know I’m not out of this situation yet and I’m not close to forgiving myself but I know God is there and He will always be there.. with open arms..Christ's invitation is like a door opened before us, beckoning us to enter. No force can shut that door or take away Christ's offer of forgiveness. :D

But how do I forgive myself? How do I fix what I have done when I keep having the urge to not fix it but to continue on with it? :(

I shall not worry.. because I know He will give me the strength to handle it. no one will get scarred & everyone will live happily ever after. (lies with the H.E.A but yes I know that we will be happy in Him)

只有他明白 will be my phrase from now on.. :)

爱， 慧珊 (Love, Hannah)

PS:

              carrot cake I baked! at 11pm!! :)

Mao’s Last Dancer

一级棒！

JUST watched it! I remembered that I saw it (the book) last year in my Aunt’s house here in Melbourne. But they don’t sell it in Malaysia. Plus I was a book addict last year and it was close to my big final exam so my dad didn’t allow me to read it.

& I stumbled on this movie when I was @ cell! David (my cell leader) transferred it to my hard drive!

Beautiful! Just beautiful!! What a life! :)

such gracefulness! ahh~

this is Li CunXin and his family. HERE in Australia! :D where though? I want to stalk him!!

Well, I am encouraging ALL of you to watch this lovely movie! (download with Subtitles! loads of chinese)

I definitely cried! :( it is so touching.. Shows how he persevered. Shown me true family love and tradition. :) I love being a CHINESE! well, sorry to you racist BUMBUMS that love to pull your eyes to mock us! I don’t give no bumbum about what you think about us. For all I know, we are one of the most hardworking people on earth! & we have a higher level of perseverance! (might exclude me a little but I’m still proud of being a CHINESE! teehee)

Love, Hannah

我的华语退步了！

不好不好！我那么辛苦学了华语从5岁到13岁, 现在我那么容易把它忘了！

唉！

Tuesday. [ 27.09.11]

Woke up at 2pm! NOOooOo..

Well I slept late last night. Watched a movie. What was it again? Er, I think it was a cartoon movie. Oh ya! Gnomeo & Juliet. Aw! it was ADORABLE!

Anyway, i baked chocolate cake as well last night. Yum! well, of course not as yum as those u can buy! this is made from LOVE! :P

Watched Monte Carlo which was surprising not bad! & then cycled to Barkley Square to get some groceries. On the way there, I was inhaling the LOVELY scenery of many working cars going home. Reminds me of my parents. The habit of coming home & doing the usual things they do when they get back.

Eg: My dad would come home & spend about 30minutes until an hour in the garden. Feeding the fish. Cleaning the pond. Scolding my dogs for making too much noise. Admiring the fishes swimming. & I would usually shout to let him and everyone else know it is time to eat! (loudspeaker for dinner time!) Then he would come in and sometimes complain that he got heaps of mosquito bites! TEEHEE!

Talking about mosquitos, we have it here too! I have 2 bites on my face! :( BUMBUM. 不喜欢!

Need to get something to kill ‘em! :P I feel like a murderer but.. its best if there are lesser of them right?

OH! It was my last Alpha video today! It was really nice. Loved the discussions too. We were on the church topic. I loved the part where Nicki said this “When you come into a relationship with God, you come into a family(church)” & this part too! “Everyone is unique & beautifully made, get involved in His kingdom, don’t just be a consumer but a contributor!”

& Revelations 21:2 :"And I saw the holy town, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, like a bride made beautiful for her husband." 很喜欢！

Really loved today’s topic. Interesting & it did answer heaps of my questions as a ‘Christian’. :)

Isaiah 61:10 I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

& all this bride and groom talk is making me think, again, of MY ‘wedding to come’ :)

Have my wedding song thought of. Sort of choreographed my wedding dance. Thought of my wedding dress. Location. etc! well, only one I’m not certain of.. the GROOM! haha!

 

I want it to be outdoors! Preferably the beach since I LOVE the waters. The reason why I would want it outside overlooking the nice blue sky, so that God (my Father) will be able to look down upon us and smile with happiness. & that my angels will be able to be a witness to this beautiful event! teehee!

& this picture is so PRETTY!

oOoOo! Wedding dresses too! Actually, I wanted to wear my mum’s wedding dress but sadly she didn’t have one. She rented it! 唉！Oh well, Its okay. I will BUY mine & keep it for my daughter! (hopefully she would want to wear it! :P )

I definitely want it long (not the train!) and that it shows a kind of nice flow that symbolizes the free flow of water. :) hmm~ & also I don’t want a veil or anything on my head! NOT A TIARA! simple is all I need. :D

she looks simple & happy! most importantly, happy! :) don’t want too much make up! want to look like my normal self so my husband to be would marry me for who I really am. :) not someone who is MADE UP.

*sigh* CAN’T WAIT! hehe!

Love, Hannah

PS: not really sure how my title fits in with all these weird contents! :P

以及何時我認為誰都不知道..

[26.09.2011]

& when I thought no one knew.. That’s what the title says.

Anyway, I have officially STARTED my ‘holidays’ – 2 weeks!

You might think, ‘Aww, so good!’. Well I think NOT!

Got to catch up with work. Got to clean up my house. Got to do so much because of how much I slacked before! BooHoo!

• Catch up with my school work! (MM and PE esp!!)
• Read up Exodus for the mentor session with Maria.
• Buy myself a nice pair of flippies for spring!! Got to air my feet now. :)
• Design an ad for the room that I’m going to rent out.
• Prepare lists of things I need to get to bring HOME and a list of what I need to BUY when I am HOME.
• Fulfill promises that I made.. EG: Rachel. Eat @ Spicy Fish? WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO! :( I’m going to so get gastric! NoOOo. Drinking session with Rach, J&J&JY.
• get my abs back!
• Have a quiet time to think of what subjects I need to take next year.
• Keep in touch with my younger siblings especially Ben.
• -SO MANY MORE!-

I feel bad. I was rude to my mum just now. Well, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean it.

She asked why I didn’t go to school today? I know what I am doing. There isn’t any classes today so I am not obliged to. Not a kid no more. & plus I am still a little fragile from last Thurs. Worst day of my life + Friday Night work + Saturday Lunch Work = Saturday after work SOJU!

Oh! Guess what? When I was removing my nail polish with Acetone, the smell of Acetone is so similar with SOJU! hmm~ you thinking what I’m thinking? haha!

The girl in the picture. Looks happy huh?

Yesterday was a nice day. Simple and beautiful.

Loved the sermon by Pastor Sandy. Reminded me a lot of my father. Remember how he’d cane me and then I would have a little alone time to think of what I did wrong. (well, usually I’ll just be cursing in my heart! teehee!) and then he’d call me to him. & give me a hug. Then he’ll ask me to look in his eyes and he’d say this (always) “ you know why I caned you?” [this is where I’ll usually JUST nod] “I cane you because I love you. I want you to grow up and to learn from your mistakes instead of repeating them. I want you to look back and thank God that you have changed. Change when you can instead of changing because the time forces you to.”

I wish he was here. Cane me? Maybe. Too old for canes but never too old to get a little punishment here and there. I wish he was here to say “I am there for you, right beside you to guide you when you stumble on the wrong path.” 아니, 난 늙고 싶지 않아.

Anyway, got to stop thinking about things like that. Keep myself focused to what is coming instead of what has happened.

I was in Facebook (& omigosh! it is actually a word. Facebook is actually a word now! :P ) and I saw that my friend posted a new album on Lily studies. Her name is Sarah. This is what she said in her album description which caught my attention like how a firework show would.

Was noticing the form of the lily, how the petal was delicately swirled around, a lot like a puff of smoke in the air or a drop of ink in water or splashed milk frozen in the air. Almost like it was clothed, that I was reminded of this verse:
"And why do you worry about clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon [or insert well-dressed celebrity name] in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."
~ Matthew 6:28-32, Luke 12:27-31

Its such a lovely description of lilies. & such a beautiful way to let not only me know but for all to know how great His love is for all of us.

Sigh.

Foolish me. Always complaining. Always not satisfied with EVERYTHING. No wonder I’m not happy.

I can only now pray that I will be able to find the way in Him. Because I know God will always make a way.

Love, Hannah

PS: it is 27.09.2011 now when I finish typing this post. bumbum!

PPS: I’m SO not using any more smelly words but I’m going to substitute them with this word called BUMBUM! :) teehee!!