birthday tears

생일축하합니다 – Happy Birthday

사랑해 – I Love You

yes. I’m saying this to myself. NOT depressing at all

(lies)

I think my eyes would be all swollen tomorrow from crying.

Skyped with my family.

They bought ME a cake which I will never be able to taste together. They sung me a birthday song and lighted a candle for me which my breath could never reach.

Oh well. Be happy and content with what I have now.

I even baked my own cake on Wednesday! *laughs*

I have Jie, Rachel and Jing Ying to be all crazy with on this birthday and whole year with!

I should be happy because God gave me 18 years to live! Should be very happy indeed!

I hope that I would be able to get used to this.

Sincerely

Love, Hannah

a little pause.

shalom!

I’m back again.

oh gosh! I just realized how inconsistent I am.

first piano then blog then baking then now knitting.

all these little passion that I once had, are always fading away so quickly! like a sneeze!

you know how you have that phenomenal sensation before you sneeze.

like your whole body has this pause and every part of you in so tensed up and focused just on trying to sneeze?

imagine my passion span is the pause where everything is all on hold, and the sneeze comes and blows it all away.

I suck. I admit!

anyway, trying to knit. knit a scarf for that special someone. might be YOU!

my patience span is also quite limited! its so hard to knit! ARGH~

dislike those old aunties that knit in the tram that made me so fascinated to start with!

That aside, I went for 2 sessions of services today in church.

the 11.15am and the 6pm because both were on different topics.

the evening sessions will be now on ‘Authentic Relationships’ for 4 weeks and I will be attending those!

Today’s was quite interesting but again same problem. Committed Christian.

I know that dating a person that has different faiths as I do is dangerous.

I know that dating a person that doesn’t believe that Jesus is Christ is dangerous.

I know all that.

But he doesn’t.

I know I can’t date him and then convert him because then it will be for all the wrong reasons.

I know! but I am already in the relationship.

I can’t ask him to come over to meet pastor Sandy or someone like that to bring him to Christ because then, I will still be the reason why he'd be converting. right?

What am I to do? I can’t make him to go to church. I can’t, because then I will still be the reason and it is not right. I know the answer is to have him to seek God with his own heart. All I can do is to have faith and try to mold myself into a better Christian and therefore have him see a change in me.

Oh well, I know I am being judged of having a non believer as a person I am in a relationship with but I know that if I am not shaken nor have i/we done anything wrong that is against God then we’re fine I guess.

Not working this week. *fingers crossed* that it’ll be a good week!

JY is back! and JaJa is going back to Singapore for less than 10 days before my birthday, argh! its okay. As long as I have Jie, Rach, JY, SamKuCheh and anyone else I’ll be more than happy already!

Love, Hannah

PS: “If you try to find intimacy with others before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships will then only become an attempt to complete yourself.”

PPS: Psalms 37:3-7 :

Trust in the Lord and do good;

dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture

take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in Him and He will do this

He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn

your vindication like the noonday sun

Be still before the Lord

and wait patiently for Him…

Heartache

School has started. Ugh

Slept over and SamKuJie’s place last night (Sunday. 17/7), didn’t feel like it but still went ahead. Almost cried at the tram stop while waiting for her because I remembered that the last time I was at that same tram stop when I was with mummy. Miss mummy, miss home, miss the familiarity of home.

When I was there, every smell reminds me of family. Our first time at their place was a summer, I think in 2009? We went with PoPo. *laugh* I remember I slept with my undies on because I couldn’t bare the heat!

Knowing that I would come back to an empty house with no one awaiting for my return just made me feel so.. down.

Felt the emptiness. The loneliness.

So I decided to ring up my work place and see if I could work tonight and yes indeed I could! So I just did some chores after school and prepared for work. [I squeezed 3 kilos of oranges before leaving!]

Work was FUN! Aunty Christine wasn’t there but Aris was. Everyone was really good to me today! I did not make any mistakes at all (actually I did. but it is just a small one that it doesn’t really matter!). Aris was so brotherly! *haha~* I think I can actually mix well with guys! Brothers all from many other different mothers! Da pao-ed some fried rice (thanks CHEF!) for tomorrow’s breakfast and perhaps lunch? No worries. I also decided to work today because I didn’t want to scratch my head thinking of what to eat for dinner! DINNER was awesome!

All’s good!

Heartache is slowly fading away.

I have a song to share with you.

Its called, Dwell In Your House by Barry Collecutt.

Love this song, I downloaded it by mistake and coincidentally it touched my heart.

Listen to it when you feel down or perhaps you just want to be assured that someone is there with you and for you.

Love, Hannah

Too High + Too Low = Neutral

Greetings to all!

forgive me but I want to dedicate this post to Him, for He has given me so much that I feel really over whelmed by it all.

 

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for all that You’ve done and all that You’ve given to me. Forgive me Lord that I’ve shown my ungratefulness through anger and sin towards You. You are not a God that is created by human hands but You are the ONLY God that has created all living things. Heaven and earth are in Your hands and only You can fill us with complete love, joy and peace in our hearts. No one and no things can ever be compared to Your greatness and glory.

Thank You Father for a wonderful family that You’ve given to me. There’s no other better family that I could ever ask for. Thank You too for everyone that I’ve met through out my life that has indirectly shaped me into who I am now. Father, you have not only shaped me but also molded me and transformed me, though I could be better and could only be better with You by my side, Lord.

I want to tell You how much I love You Lord. Thank You for giving me a voice that could contribute in worshiping You and to praise Your name and glory by singing. & not only singing but to lead other’s into worshipping You too Lord. It has been a privilege to be able to worship You together with a band of talented brothers and sisters in Christ today. I thank you for giving me such an experience and I pray that I could learn from them Lord and to grow more spiritually.

It has been a wonderful day today despite the rainy weather. I really appreciate that there wasn’t any rain when I was on my way back today after the last service. Thank You Abba Father. Forgive me Lord for I have wronged You, for I have questioned You over such a small matter & that I have placed an earthly item as my priority before You Lord. I pray for forgiveness and peace in my heart Lord that could calm me whenever another small matter like this would ever occur again. I pray that my heart would be cleansed and any hatred or vengeance would be washed away.

You are the highest of the great High Priest Lord and that You are worthy of all praise. Thank You for everything and help me to just place my trust in You for everything would be according to Your plan.

I pray all these in Jesus’s name,

Amen

I just felt the need to pray and give thanks to Him. To Him that has given it all to me.

Today has been a day filled with worship.

Was in the worship team that was leading today. all 3 services (9am, 11.15am & 6pm)

It was my 2nd time on stage, being the back up singer.

This time was AWESOME because I actually SANG and led part of some songs. Because Colin (worship leader) was playing the guitar as well as leading so sometimes he had to break off from singing for a bit and I had to lead for a while. Other than the sweet comments from many, I felt happy because I felt the love of the Lord. The songs touched me so deep today that it made me warm despite the cold and windy weather.

I loved my band members that was assigned together with me. There was Colin (leader/guitarist), Randy (b/u singer), Rachel (pianist), Paul (bassist), Andy (drummer) & I! We had fun worshipping together and to make mistakes together and laughed it off in the end. Love all of them. Oh! There was Owen (sound guy) & Abrahm (creative arts director). Thank you both SO much for the encouragement of singing louder!

I had a really bad sugar rush today! *laughs* drank 2 and a half cups of chocolate! 1 from Max (with Kailyn, Vanessa, David & Mark during lunch break) where I ordered American Chocolate with Marshmallows while another 1 and a half from San Churros (with the band in between the third service). Paul gave me half of his because it was thick and hot. I ordered Chocolate Hazelnut Shake whereas he gave me his Classic Spanish Hot Chocolate. SUGAR RUSH! I felt SO full!

After the third service, when I was in the tram, I slept! Thank God I woke up in time to hop off at my stop ( or else! ) and the funny thing was that after I hopped off the tram, I ran back home. As in, I ran all the way home without pause! SUGAR RUSH indeed! but then when I came home, I crashed on the couch and snoozed off! *laughs*

But after a HIGH and HAPPY day, there’s always a tendency for Satan to do his work of ruining my mood. he would find my weakest point and squeeze it and crush it until I feel absolutely hopeless. It took me the entire time in the shower just to cool off and to worship God (singing) that I forgot about my anger and sadness. It is okay, it' is just a matter of time that the colour fades and that it becomes white again. NO WORRIES. Have faith in God, HANNAH!

Oh well, that’s mostly what happened today that made me went HIGH then LOW then NEUTRAL.

May God bless all of YOU that your week would be fruitful and that you would have a blessed week ahead!

Love, Hannah

PS: place your faith in Him and trust Him that He would provide you with all your needs and believe that He would not forsake you. (fruitful message during the sermon today!)

PPS: I watched KUNG FU PANDA 2 ytdy! in 3D! it was quite GOOD!~ but I had a headache afterwards. *yikes*

Someone turned legal before me!

I know you are reading this CHANG RON!

*smiles*

happy happy birthday RON

have an awesome birthday!
May God Bless YOU!

Love, Hannah

well, I’m sorry.

Hey there my lovelies!

My deep apologies for slacking away from blogging.

No wonder I have been so ‘stuffed up’ with emotions that I didn’t know where it came from.

Usually I would let out my feelings through blogging.

& now, 2 months of not blogging makes me so, FILLED with messed up feelings.

So here’s an update of what is happening in Hannah’s world.

Rachel (my housemate/AWESOME friend) has flew back to Adelaide for her holidays. MISSING her so badly now. Usually I’d be so crazy with her doing crazy stuffs together. But now I feel so lifeless. Oh well, she’ll be back on the 19th. Can’t wait!

Jing Ying (my CRAZY but SENSIBLE friend) headed back to Singapore for her holidays as well! Oh Man, She’s be filling herself with nice stuffed crabs, Kuey Teow, Nasi Lemak and so much nice food! and me.. lifeless! haha~ She’ll be back as well. hopefully soon!

Douglas (my matured & an awesome photographer friend) just flew back to Singapore to be with his GF. He just finished his degree! OLD MAN! anyway, he is so sweet to his gf! he’s bringing her to Taiwan for a holiday (surprising her). so sweet! :) just hope he’d be back to bake my birthday cake for me! hehe

Hazel (my on & off weird sister) is now ‘trying’ to look for a job which I quite believe wouldn’t be happening any sooner. She’s having her holidays too! Very active in church, unlike me. Hangs out with her 'church friends and spending her going-down-the-drain-money. Oh well, she lives!

Bevan (my buffed and crazy but caring friend) is also on his holidays. I think he’s going to coach kids AFL this winter break. & I just had dinner with him, his mum, and Douglas on Sunday night. His mum is such a chinese mum which is really different than mine. Though I obviously adore mine MUCH MUCH more. Won’t really see Bev much until Rach comes back! haha

Work- getting better but also not really improving. GEE, my canto sucks big time! HAHA. made friends! *fingers crossed* that I don’t jinx it again! such a roller coaster ride. never normal! always either UP or DOWN. but mostly DOWNS. *eeks*

Honestly, I think I’m going to lose my curves at this rate of eating! HAHA. NOOOOO..

Baked chocolate fondant really late last night with Jie. But it was really yummy and filling that when I woke up I didn’t even have the appetite to eat anything! The chocolate and the sugar is really not helping my curves at all! *argh*

 

But tell me, if I place this in front of you, can you resist the temptation? I know I can’t! *yikes*

My next mission is to bake something that I can have oranges in it! weird huh? But I bought 3kilos of oranges yesterday, so the only way to finish it is to bake it? right? haha

Well, I’m now having my holidays so I can have all the time to bake whatever I want!

Love, Hannah

the perfect daughter.. not

HEY there my lovelies. Decided to give blogging back a chance. This was in my drafts for a long long time! so I’m back to complete and publish it.   this was after my mum left, and when I felt really fragile. Sorry I did not complete it on time! *forgive me.*

She came and went just like that..

made all the difference possible

and now what’s left

is the empty house waiting for me

whenever I come back home

No one waiting for me with food

no one curious to know about what happened to me that day

no more yummy home cooked food

no more.. that little piece of Kuantan

no more that little piece of home

no more will last about 7 months.

how I wish 7 months would really fly

in a blink of an eye

because I am blinking so hard now

wishing that I’m in my own room

my purple colored room

with my maid yelling at my ear

my brother being a brat

my younger sister irritating me

family.. man I do miss a lot

blinking so hard that tears are rolling down my cheeks

*sigh*

missing how my dogs would bark

to welcome my parents back home after a long days of work

my heart would race

either with joy or sometimes with anxiety (usually because of my results)

would welcome them with my loud yell of MUMMY DADDY!

missing how sometimes when my dad walks in

and I don’t welcome him

he’d give his I-AM-THE-MAN voice to command me to welcome him home

now,

I’d stare at my flat’s front door

always ready to welcome that familiar face back home

but at the end of the time,

all hopes crushed

all familiarity disappearing

slowly just getting used to this, loneliness

‘its okay Hannah’ would be my only self-comfort I’d give to myself every now and then

‘it will be okay…’

Love, Hannah

PS: yes, this post is made out of many drops of tears!