I’m trying

Hello dear friends!

Do you know that I turn on my blog ever so often just to listen to the songs and study (yea, right) or even just to have time to chill. What do you think about the songs? I’m not sick of them yet, so maybe I won’t change them any time soon. When I get sick of songs, I can actually sing the songs and hum the tunes anywhere I go and then I will get annoyed for doing so. But if they are really not as nice as you have expected them to be, let me know :)

Well, today marks the third day after my dad left us to go back to Malaysia. Honestly, I was a bit worried when I found out my dad was coming 2 weeks ago because I didn’t want to cook or even clean up after him. However, my dad came and he totally did what we did not expect him to do. He cleaned up after us and didn’t even complain. Like, THE BEST HOUSE MATE EVER. *I miss you*

I miss how care free you were and not complaining when we all had our schedules going on. I miss how when I wake up and walk out of the corridor, I would find you seated on the old arm chair watching the news or chatting with friends on your phone. I miss your bah ku teh, even though you had to cook it after your golf session with Ben and you were all tired and sweaty, thanks! I miss how you would wait for all of us to sleep then head to bed. There’s too many things that I miss about you that is still lingering around the house. I miss you.

How long more do I have to keep feeling homesick? How long more do I see you (and mummy) only once, twice a year? How long more do I have to keep hallucinating that you were around just to kiss me on my fore head and tuck me to bed? How long more?

Don’t have to worry, I am not complaining. I am merely having a reality check on my situation and getting back on track to adapting. I am grateful that at least I can still call you two whenever I want to and tell you about my day. I am grateful for the beautiful memories that you have created for me.

It just takes me a while to adapt back to reality. I’m trying…

Thank You for bringing my dad back home safely.

Have a blessed winter everyone! Wrap up & stay healthy.

Love,

Hannah L.

Why did Jesus die?

Warning: I am not qualified to preach and I don't intend to preach. The title is as it is just because this is the question of the week for me..

Now, *ahem* on to formalities (righhhttttt~)

HELLO HELLO

To begin with, I need to kind of explain myself. I am currently in my University's lounge, chilling, because I have a 3 hours break between classes. - NO, I cannot (I repeat, CANNOT) change my schedule because it is auto-allocated! - This is why you can read a post from me! So, you should be happy; in the same way, I am glad to be here also.

At the beginning of this semester, I was keen to take a break from this ministry that I have been serving in for at least the past 3 semesters already. It is not that I am unhappy with this ministry, sometimes a break is necassary so that one doesn't feel too burnt out or lose their direction along the way. This ministry is called the Alpha Course. If you have not heard of this course ever in your life, you can check it out from this link :

http://www.alphausa.org/Groups/1000049014/Explore_Alpha_For.aspx

It is a course that helps people ponder of the questions that relates to Christianity and God. What is my role in this ministry? I used to be a backup singer, and then I was given the role of Worship Coordinator a long time ago (I need to redefine 'long' in my dictionary) and after that: Worship Leader. It may seem as though it isn't a big role, but if you look at it from my point of view, I try not to be sloppy and I want to give my best in serving God in this ministry. AND if you have not worship lead before, let me tell you that choosing the appropriate songs is a difficult task. Songs are important to help engage with the congregation to a time of praise and worship. This way their hearts and minds are open to receive His word. No, it is not meant to be hypnotising them. In a way, worship is the appetiser to a meal. If the appetiser is no good, one may lose interest or appetite throughout the whole meal. Anyway, to fast track, I could not take this break. The reasons being: I love this course and that there isn't sufficient helpers to take over my role.

Last week was just Introduction : Who is Jesus. I think most of you would know the answer to that question. Feel free to comment below and tell me who Jesus is to you. :)

This coming week the topic will be on 'Why did Jesus die?'. It is a very interesting topic, at least for me it serves as a reminder. And many a times, peoples' answers and responses to this question can be very interesting and at the same time inspiring. Some people may have different opinions of why He died and why did He have to be crucified. I believe that it isn't a topic that you can easily avoid and say 'I don't care' to. You either believe or you don't. You can only either believe that He is a sinner (like every one else) and that He deserved such a death or that You believe that He has fulfilled Isaiah's prophecy of bringing us intercession. [Read Isaiah 53] Do rebuke me if you feel the need to.

Anyway, I will also be serving as a back up singer on the actual Sunday service this week. Coincidently(?) the sermon for this week is related to Jesus' death. Last night, we had the worship practise with the band and the songs that the worship leader picked were super powerful. I guess any song that relates to Jesus' death would be powerful because His death isn't just any ordinary death. I am actually having the songs play repeatedly on my playlist at the moment just so I am in the mode of understanding and acknowledging His saving grace. If I was to be at home, my eyes would be all watery and my shirt would be soaked from my snot and all goodness that comes from it. Thank goodness I am able to supress the emotions that is running high in my body from the powerful songs and from typing this post.

Want to know what I am listening to? Here are the songs :)

• Relentless - Hillsong United [acoustic version]
• Forever Reign - Hillsong
• Saviour King - Mia Fieldes ft Ben Fielding
• Jesus, Son of God - Chris Tomlin ft Christy Nockles
• In Christ Alone - Owl City

Just realised that this is a long post. *eeks* sorreh~

Whilst I was selecting the songs for the next Alpha session, I just reflected on the many bible verses that talks about His death. To me, it is so amazing to know that I am saved despite my flaws and sins. And that I am saved even before I do anything or praise His name or serve Him. Isn't it crazy? To lay down your life for a fellow friend shows that you are a good friend or even a good person. But laying down your life for millions and millions of people that hate you and throw curses at you, it is just mind-blowing. Therefore, again, I am eternally grateful. I just cannot wait for that day when I return home. Don't ask me what I would ask Him when I first see Him. The first thing I would do if I see Him is to run into His warm and comforting arms with tears of joy.

Jesus isn't fully inhuman, you know? He feels the pain of being rejected and feels the pain of losing a loved one. Prior to His death, as He prayed in the garden, He asked if God can take away 'this cup' (dying on the cross aka saving the world) from Him because He knew how painful and flesh-ripping it would be. Jesus isn't some God that doesn't understand how you feel when you are underappreciated or when you have lost a loved one. He understands every single pain that you will ever have to go through in this life. Sometimes I wish to be married to Jesus. Not joking. I think in a way He would say yes because He is so loving and gracious, but I feel so inadequate to be called His wife or even girlfriend. Just because I suck...

In conclusion... *yes, I am keeping it short and sweet* Jesus died not for Himself, well, in a way yes, He died to bring glory to Himself and His Father (God), however, don't forget that He also died just so we won't have to bear the consequences of sin = death. Again, I am not saying we won't die physically (everyone WOULD and WILL go through physical death). I am just saying that eternally we will be alive and whole in Him. If you are leaving my blog all confused and just... bombareded with a whole jimble-jumble of unsolved thoughts, I do encourage you to read the Bible or talk to someone. Or check out the Alpha website, I am sure there will be people there that are helpful. OR knock on the door of a church near you and have a pastor or elder pray for you. I am not of a heap of help but I can try :) my inadequacies are just immeasurable.

My conclusion would be that I know He died for me, for you and for everybody.

As usual..

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

It affects everyone - death.

Hello Helloo!

A little update from me: my dad is here in Melbourne! (yay) I wish my mum came along as well but I guess she has to take care of our house back home. Do help me pray for her safety, bless you (thank you!!)! It is so refreshing to have a parent come over to offer comfort, words of wisdom, and ultimately just being a part of my life. Not saying that he (or they) isn’t a part of my life just because we are miles away from each other most of the time, but it is just super different when he is here physically. The house seems more lively and more warmer, in a way, very much livable. So praise God that he had a safe flight while coming over!

Anyway, on Sunday (which was yesterday), I had a short conversation with an old uncle that just finished leading his cell group. He told me that a cell member of his passed away that very morning and it is now really common to him especially with the circle of friends he has (which are all around his age). The topic that they were discussing about at cell was something along the lines of ‘how do you comfort a relative or friend’ of a deceased? And he told me that a ‘young’ girl such as myself won’t find it an interesting or common topic to talk about. HOWEVER!!! It was.. Sadly. It is not that I find such a morbid topic interesting, moreover, I find that it is crucial that we equip ourselves better on how to handle such a situation. Looking at how life is so unpredictable and fragile even amongst us young people or healthy people, we really just can’t say for sure what will happen next. I did not get the chance to ask him for his advice on how to deal with such a situation because I had to rush off for a recording. Ah..

What happened next was so shocking. I heard from my mum that my best friend’s father passed away. At that point in time, I wasn’t really sure of what to say or how I should go about to comfort her. As a best friend, I felt so inadequate and so useless. The normal “my deepest condolences” just wasn’t enough, at least that is what I think. If something like that happened to my family, what would I expect from my friends? What should I expect? I think, I would just cry. No matter what people say.

“I’m so sorry for being so helpless.”

For me, my love language is physical affection and touch. So, a hug would do a great world of a difference in making me feel better. To comfort someone, you have got to relate to their love language. I haven’t gotten to know my best friend enough to know how she understands love. This is why I feel so terrible.. All I can do is send silent prayers up to our heavenly Father with a hope that He grants her and her family comfort and peace in their hearts. That through this grief they maybe able to draw closer to one another and trust each other with their emotions.

“I really wish I was there just to lend you my shoulders, my arms, my ears..”

Death comes to everyone. Unavoidable and Unforeseeable. We can look at it morbidly and cry about it; or we can live life to the fullest and making sure that we spend our time wisely with those that we love, doing things that we love. But at the same time, being grateful for this life that was given to us. And when you are grateful, you would want to repay back to the one that you have owed. In this case, we can never repay no matter how many good things we do in life, it is simply never enough. However, He doesn’t require much. :) Therefore, I am eternally grateful, living a life that is pleasing to Him.

A: “Rabbi, when do we repent?”

Rabbi: “When we are dying..”

A, confused: “But how do we know when we are dying?”

Rabbi: “Because we can never know when our last breath will be, therefore always repent as if it is our last breath.”

Love,
Hannah L.

Jesus said …, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies;  and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"

John 11:25-26

Yes.

a transforming caterpillar

Hello Hello :)
I know I have not been posting much and when I looked back at my previous post, it felt so emo-ish and super morbid-like. My sincere apologies.
If you have noticed *hint hint*… Has anything changed? Teehee!
YES! I have modified my blog and even the songs that I had before. If you are reading my blog on mobile, I’m not really sure if the songs would play…(I highly doubt it) So, hop back onto the old fashioned laptops or computers and visit my blog then instead – because the songs are super yummy! If you are anything like me, playful and cheerful, I think the songs would suit you as well!
Anyway, what have I been doing since my last post? Well, I had exams (& by now my results are already out. Please don’t ask me how it went.. Let’s just say I didn’t do too well at it. That’s a fact.) and then holidays! However, now that my holidays are coming to an end, I can well enough say that I did not spend it as productively as I have planned for it to be. *damn it* I did in fact work for 2 weeks and then I fell terribly sick. Some weird virus/bacteria that enjoyed it’s stay in me and not wanting to leave, so there you have it, sick for almost 3 weeks.
On the bright side, I did manage to catch up on rest. Also, met up with my bestie when she came over to Melbourne for her holidays. As well as spending some quality times with a few friends from church. OH! And I have gotten back to gaming – dota2, L4D2 & TF2! *tsk tsk* It is always fun to play a coupla games here and there with friends.
I think the only thing that I am truly regretful of is that I did not spend any/much time with Him during my holidays. I kind of left the book of Psalms hanging for a month or so. In some ways, I am actually turning Him into my genie in the lamp on the shelf, which is not what should happen. T~T sorry.
As I was counting down the number of days I have left to sleep in and be lazy, I was reminded of the grace that He has showed me. Despite the coughs and despite the cold, I am still well alive and living without having to worry about my safety. I am sure all of you would have heard of the many ‘airplane(s)’ news. From MH370 to MH17 to TransAsia to Air Algerie, these are the recent ones and I do pray that they will be the last few of any more aircraft incidents/accidents. When I think about it, there is nothing we can do about the disasters that come our way. No matter how many evidence you prove to show that Russia is at fault or that America is twisting the stories, the fact is that we have been given one life each and this life can be taken back whenever and however that He has planned. I am not saying that He has planned for those victims to die a cruel and innocent death, I am very sure that He won’t want that to happen to anyone. However, we are living in a very cruel and sinful world that people plot for other peoples’ sufferings just so they can satisfy their own sick goals or whatever. Sometimes I do wonder why evil people should even exist on this earth, but after the Fall, this world has clearly became the dwelling place of all wickedness and sin. I am not saying that love and everything good cannot dwell amongst us, I am only saying that you can’t rid all evil here and now. It can only be in heaven that there is no trace of any bad things. We can only pray for protection and pray for our loved ones to be safe. The only lesson that I can take from these terrible news is that life is fragile and I need to know what I should do with this one life that I was given. I can live it as wildly as other people do or I can live a life that has a purpose. A purpose of which I have yet to think of properly. :)
Now, why did I decide to have a change? I guess one thing is for sure is that I was getting bored of my old blog layout and the songs as well. AND that my birthday is coming! I am turning!~ *hee hee* I am not really sure why 21 is such a BIG THING but I guess in this world that we live in, 21 is just set as an age to symbolize adulthood.

So there you have it, me when I was about 1 years old and another picture of me that my sister took last year! Yes, I am very proud of how I look in both of these pictures. But any pictures in between… I think I look a bit…. Terrible and not as pretty as I could be. Oh well, the process of growing up, I guess.
Honestly, I really am super grateful to God of this wonderful life I have had. No complaints and I don’t even have a time of which that I wish to turn back to just so I can change any of it. Undoubtedly I have had many MANY  ups and downs, but without any of them, I can assure you that I will not have been the same ‘caterpillar’ as I am typing this post to you now. I am also thankful to my lovely parents that love me unconditionally and always guiding me every step of the way. I know a lot of people out there can’t wait to turn 21 just so they can be released of the ‘chains’ that they have that is tying them to their parents. For me, I don’t mind being tied to my parents until the day I return home. I will always need them in my life. :)
On the other hand, my siblings. *starting to laugh at myself* Yes, I love YOU too! How can I ever not love any of you. No matter what we say to and behind each other, I guess that’s the fun of having 3 other people that is so similar to you (character-wise), we will always have the love for one another. Growing up was NEVER boring and I cannot even begin to imagine when my life actually becomes silent. I remember when I went back to Kuantan (which is my hometown) alone last year, I had to be ‘alone’ without the three of you for a whole month! At first, of course it was fun, but the fun ended in less than a week! Home will never be the same without any of you and same goes to my life. *ugh, so cheesy* As an end note, I just want to say thank you for making my 21 years interesting and never boring.
Now, on to a couple of friends of mine that I cannot help but to mention. Even though we are separated, even though we have not seen each other in a long time, the memories we have created for one another has always been in my heart and it will never leave me. I guess the reason why I can’t seem to find any other closer friends here in Melbourne is because you guys just set the bar too high for any potential friends to even come close to me. I love you :) The bitchings, the tears, the laughters, oh how I miss them! This is why Melbourne will never be my home, because it isn’t the same without any of you here. If only one of you came, I guess there is still hope for Melbourne.

Remember this? We were at ‘Happy Together’ celebrating my birthday! (you know who you are) I wish to just appear at Happy Together again and celebrate with all of you. But I guess dreaming about it is still better than nothing. If I do go back at the end of this year, let’s all celebrate our 21st together once D & C have both turned as well!

And to these two beautiful ladies :) what would I do without having the two of you since young? I am sure that I wouldn’t go to church as often as I did if not because of you! I know we are all super busy with our studies, I just can’t wait till when we actually start working and we can meet each other more often! Exciting times! I know one of you still hasn’t turned, so be excited woman! Love you two loads~
Anyway, I need to stop blabbering now. Will post more soon! For the time being, do enjoy the songs and I hope my this post wasn’t toooooo long!
Love love love,
Hannah L.

Just one of those days

sometimes, while walking on the busy streets of Melbourne, I often wish I could just give way to my legs so that I could just crash onto the floor and cry. Cry out all my heartaches and pain and stop when my body is unable to proudce anymore tears.. *sigh*

what is holding me back? what is holding back my tears? I want to know as well...

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

More than words could ever describe.. I am eternally grateful

Hello hello! (Please just imagine me screaming for joy even though I have currently lost my voice!)

I will Praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will plese The Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. - Psalm 69:30-31

Last night, was one of the 'normal' stressful nights that when I have been procrestinating throughout the semester and not try to touch my assignments beforehand. Then I leave everything to the last minute knowing that I am no where close to understanding the subject, what more understand it to a level where I can write reports confidently or even do simple book keeping (of course at a deeper level with more complicated transactions and what not). The assignment that I had to hand in today is only worth 10%, however, I have to salvage as much internal scores as I can for this subject because I did not do too well for the in-class test which was worth 30%. That was..BAD.

So, I could have started this assignment earlier this week but I kept pushing it away and choosing to serve Him in the many ministries that I am committed in. When I finally told myself to just sit down and start my assignment last night at 10pm, I was ready. I thought I could ace it because the questions looked fairly easy.

When I planted the transactions in, I kept doubting myself and whether my numbers were even near to correct. I usually study the same subjects with a couple of friends at Uni but this particular subject, I was all alone. Therefore, I didn't have someone that I could compare the answers with. As the hours passed from 11pm to 12am to 1am.. I was getting really despoerate. I read as much as I could and I tried as much as I can, but nothing seems to be going right. I broke down and cried like a toddler that has lost his way, *thankfully the students have already left the Computer Lab*. The only thing that I had in mind was this song that we were singing during worship practise earlier that night - Christ is Enough. It kept running through my head until the point that I couldn't take it anymore, I sang it out loud with tears and with a heart that was burdened, also with a voice that has already been over-used. After singing the Chorus over and over again, I prayed and told Him this:

Lord God, I am so sorry for being selfish. For wanting to do things that were not of importance to what I am studying, and at the end of the day, because of selfishness I have caused disgrace and dishonour to my family and to Your name, Lord. I want to ask if you can help me? *started laughing at myself and thought to myself 'how is this even possible?'* Help me to know that what I am doing is right and even if it isn't right, I pray that you give me the peace that I need in this turmoiled heart of mine. I have nothing to lose but to lose the chance to be able to glorify you and to honour my parents. *sigh*, God, I am nothing but a sinner and I pray that You will forgive me for all my laziness and my complaints. I don't know what I can do and I don't know what I should do, so I will just leave it all at your feet and just do what I can with the ability that I have.

Before running to the toilet to wash my 'filled with tears and mucus' face, I posted on Facebook that this assignment was really tough and deceiving, it seems easy but it is nothing but hard! I was on Facebook to see if I can find anyone online at that unearthly hour that could encourage me or even just advice me of my situation. But no one that I wanted to be online, was online.

After praying, I still felt tired and inadequate. So I went to the toilet to wash up with the hope that when I got back to the table I might gain a little bit more determination and a clearer mind to finish up this *ahem - stupid* assignment.

As per usual , I tried to elongate my time in the toilet as long as possible. And when i sat back down to continue where I have left off, I got a message on my phone, I took a look and saw that it was Mathilda! I actually wanted to just ignore her message because I was already wasting so much time, I can't afford to waste more time by having both hands on my phone. But, I decided to just say hi and hopefully I can tell her about my situation that maybe she could encourage me.

This was what happened:

Mathilda: Hannnnyyyyyyyyy

Me: Mattyyy :(

Mathilda: *sent a photo of the assignment's front page* Are u doing this subject?

Me: OMG yes! I am stuck :(

Mathilda: *sent photos of the answers to me* YES!

Me: o.O Mattyyy... *utterly speechless*

Mathilda: You know why? I was uploading photos on Facebook and I happened to see your status! & I also know that my boyfriend is doing the same subject and has already finished his assignment.

Me: o.O OMGGGG!!! Thank you babe for being the angel!! I kept crying because I was so stuck and I usually have friends that I can compare answers with, but this time I am alone.

Mathilda: Aww don't cry, just do it and I know you will do well! I really think it is His work because I so happened saw your status and I have the answers in my face! :D

Me: :) It was just yesterday that you shared with me the miracle He has provided to you with your exam paper! And now I am experiencing the same thing!!

Mathilda: YESSS how long after you prayed? I prayed for 40 minutes then.

Me: I prayed not too long ago. Maybe 10-15minutes ago?

Mathilda: wow! He is fast! Praise The Lord...!!!!!

 

Yes. So that was what has happened to me last night. In the end, I did have answers to compare with and I could honestly tell you, when it had hit me, what was left was just joy. Overflowing joy that it flowed out through tears. I could only cry and cry and cry.. *more mucus and tears flowed* I am sure that this is not the first time that I had Him answering my prayers but most of the time it is more for other people or for things that I can't really get an immediate response to. This time I was really vulnerable and through my vulnerability, He revealed Himself to me :)

Even though I am not very proud to be sharing my weaknesses when it comes to my studies, and i am not saying that you should leave your priorities all the way to the last minute, I still believe that I want to share in order that He will be glorified. Be aware as well that He isn't a genie in a bottle that grants us wishes. He answers our prayers when in the end it is in line with His greater plan. I hope it will be in His will that I don't fail any subjects! Time to up my game!!!

:) wish me all the best. I don't want to just be passing or obtaining credits. What I need to be achieving is at least distinctions or highs. I know I can, but I have always just wanted the bear minimum without much effort. Let's do it differently this time!

I hope that God will reveal Himself to everyone as well because ultimately, as our Father and Creator, He would want everyone to be saved and every soul to be living with him in His kingdom for eternity!

Have a blessed weekend my lovely friends!

Love,

Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.

So.. I am doomed

Thanks to these stupid assignments, I have to become an night owl and a day zombie. I still don't get it why we have to suffer just to get a piece of paper in the end of the day. *ugh*
I don't want to be Chinese! I believe it is either the Chinese or Romans that invented these stupid tests to add stress to life. Honestly, such a waste of sleep.
But oh well, a fish has to do what a fish does - SWIM! Either swim with the flow of the current or swim against the flow of the current. Both ways, it requires swimming. So swim! I don't know where I am getting this stupid analogy. Forgive me, I am just being pure random here because my eyes are half closed and my brains are.. well.. it *disappeared*.
1 assignment done, 2000 words accomplished in two nights. Another assignment coming my way, thank goodness it is not an essay nor a report, it is just calculations and ACCOUNTING. How dry. Dryer than dry beer. Ermaigerd...!!
Anyway, I would like to share with you this song that is just keeping me going and smiling all the way as I listen to it. I agree that her voice might sound like a wannabelittlegirl, but the plucking of the guitar, oh so good!
Here you go :)

It is called Confession song by Milktea. Milktea has another song that I actually don't mind listening to: Ramen King. Heh^^ so cute.
Anyway, time for this owl to turn back into sleeping 'beautymyass'.
I shall become more of an owl starting from now because it is already WEEK 9 into this semester, 3 more weeks to go and I would be drowning with finals!
Love and toodlehoos,
Hannah L.

Love and keep loving.