There are still first times..!

Herrrooooowwww!~

THIS is my first time blogging with the ipad. I dont think i will be over creative or crazy with the colours because I am sure it will be pretty difficult to do so. So not used to blogging without a mouse and a proper keypad!

Anyway, about me.

Life seems to be pretty monotonous atm. Working every day (ex Sundays!) since Uni hasn't started. I think i like my job apart from the fact that I have to stand for the entire time I'm working. These days I actually hide in the toilet for a while just so that my legs can rest. But at least meeting new people and serving them helps me to let go of the sad things that are hanging on my chest. Seeing someone smile makes me smile which I believe is the best cure to any sad or depressing mood.

 I feel as though I am hiding. Hiding as long as I can from you. Because I am afraid. Afraid that when i see you, all the strength that I have within me that holds me together will burst into thin air which will leave me broken. Just like a shattered glass.

Just like a shattered glass...

Interesting that when a glass breaks onto the ground, my mum always tells us to be careful. Not to go near the 'crime' scene. That is because those broken pieces can hurt someone if they are not careful. When that someone gets hurt from pricking themselves with a piece glass, their blood will stain that piece of glass as well. So no matter what, both parties will be get hurt.

Is that why? Is that why you should keep your distance?

I wish i can gather up the courage to say no and push you away. I dont want you to get hurt. & i dont want to get hurt again.

I know. I'm not stupid. The time will come for me to face the difficult times. Somehow i just want to be as happy as I can for the time being just so when the hard times come, it wont be as bad because I had my share of happiness. I'm not really sure what I'm thinking. The higher cloud 9 is, the harder the fall.

Thank you for being cold to me. I know its what I need to move on.

Come on! I can do this..

It's as simple as ABC. Piece myself together, dont hurt others in the process, and continue to obey.
So much easier said than done. SO SO MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!

어떡해?

Love, 
Hannah

Back to reality.

Hi there future self. One day I am very sure I will turn back and laugh at myself (as always) and mutter “those were the easier days”..

But for now, easier days seem far far away to me.

This little small town girl has just arrived back in Melbourne. The city that sleeps. Back into the arms of her siblings. Just the four of them. In one apartment. Noisy but loving and warm.

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow! How exciting. Single on a Valentine’s day. I’m sure its okay. I have spent V’day as a single lady before so why cry now?

Last year, I requested lesser roses than the year before. This year, no roses from you.

I’m sorry.

I feel like such a hypocrite. What you said about me was true. I don’t and I didn’t deserve all that you have given to me. Love and happiness and the warmth of having someone with me always. But thinking back of the times that we were together, what have I given to you? Nothing. Plain ol’ nothing.

He was a factor but he was not the factor.

Every where I go, I see you. Every breath I breathe, my soul crumbles.

I said I will spend my time back home finding Him, but I did not. And you know me well enough that I don’t mean what I say. So it is proven, hypocrite indeed. Liar as well.

You letting go of me would be a blessing, but for me it’s a curse. I have lost a jewel.

I know you were ready, but I’m not. Flawed at every single corner. Dirt and dust are all that contains within me.

Walking into my room today felt as if I walked through hall of shame. It was filled with love once, now it just feels cold. Memories came flooding in and overwhelmed me but I stood up and left that cold room for I could not bear its cruelty.

Even though it was I who said no, but it still feels as though the door slammed shut in my face instead.

Up until now I am not sure whether saying no was the right thing to do, but what is the point of thinking about it now and regretting it? What has been done, has already been done. It might just be the temptation of wanting your physical love once again. It might just be that I don’t want to be alone on this festive season. It might just be me, being the stupid me that I am.

Thank you.

I thank you for accepting me for who I am.

Even though I am not perfect myself, I judged you.

Forgive me?

I remember I told myself once that the word LOVE should not be used lightly as it means so much. And the meaning of it should not be downgraded. Now that I think of the word love, I feel so unworthy.

…

Dear God,

Only you can truly hear my heart’s cry. And You see all that’s been done, said, thought and heard. Forgive me Lord for I am a sinner just like the Israelites. Never grateful. Never appreciating Your love for me. Forgive me Lord as I have hurt many other people.

I asked for a punishment and You showed mercy. I asked for pain but You gave me love. God. I don’t deserve You but You are always there for me.

I pray, God, that You would heal those that I have caused pain to. Give them the comfort that they need to pick themselves back up on their feet. Heal their heart and overflow them with love and never ending happiness.

Sovereign. I was never used to that word. But You showed me it’s truest meaning in the most simplest manner. Through my fears and doubts, You made me see and believe that all is in control because You are for me and with me.

Give me clean hands, Oh Lord. Cleanse me from within. Renew me.

Judgment will come but all that matters is You.

In Your Son’s sweetest name, Amen.

…

Love,
Hannah