the only place I can lay my heart out..

*boom*
i really don't like the way i live!
it sux man...
there will always be a question WHY but no answers at the end...
i dun get it!
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i had a lil chit chat wif my sis last night!
i was weeping like non-stop..
u know why?
cos i guess i feel so useless n hopeless!
everyone says i have THE body.. which i dun even like..
i guess everyone feels that way right?
there's no satisfaction..
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
i hate being gossiped about!
i hate people gossiping bout me which isn't true!
i hate the way everyone looks at me!
i even hate the part where my own family does that!
i know my result sux..
i know i like fashions and keeping up at trends..
i know i LOVE collecting cool stuffs!
wat to do that's ME!
but why?
why don't i feel happy?
cos there's one thing i can feel!
i dun feel love from anyone that even includes my family..
i have even been told a few times that "i dun fit in this family cos i m dumb n useless plus i'm dropping my family's name"??
that really does hurt my feeling..
that is one of the voices running through my head every time when i'm with my family!
i even have someone telling me that im a whore!!!
and all that comes from the same person in my family!
i dun see other families having this problem..
i really envy other families which don't have this kinda problem!
they accepts every members in their family full heartedly ..
i dun get it!
why shud it be on me?
why do i have to be treated like dis?
am i suppose to change the way i m so that i could be accepted???
why can't i be accepted the way i am?
i dun see wats wrong wif me that i cant be accepted..
*sigh*
and ya!
today my church will have a barbecue and a sleep over in church.
but why??
why wouldn't my parents let?
church is supposed to be a safe place?
and are they just over protective?
my sis says they dun let me go is cos i am an easy pick up girl??
am i?
i dun think so..
i have a brain too u know!??!?!?!?!??!
i know how to think!
but i dun think they noticed!
they only notice my other siblings..
they have good results, actually the best results ever!
they but them stuffs..
they talk to each other and share their feelings together..
but i'm left out..
don't i exist? don't i exist in their eyes?
just because i can't score as many A's as my sis,
that's why i'm being treated like dis?
huh?!
i even wonder at times am i their child? or am i adopted thats' why i'm being treated this way!??!?
i hate to think like dat! but how can't i? where there isn't any positive way!
i probally think in their eyes i'm just a doll! a useless doll...
if this thing keeps continuing like this i dun think i'm able to survive!
my heart isn't so big! i can't fit everything in it! i have to let it out! but where??
i dun see anyone caring! i'm always away from the spot light!
and i'm always the one being blamed!
i only wish that God will keep me strong and to help me find happiness!
that's the only wish i ever wished every single birthday since i'm 10! and now i'm 14!
going to be 15!
i wish that i will find happiness somewhere and some trusting friends that i can let out my feeling!
it really hurts to think that i'm useless and to EVEN think that i don't exist!
i hate forcing myself to fake a smile every time i'm out with my family!
i hate every single thing that is hurting me!
and i guess one day i'll even hate myself..
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i just wana thank all my frens..
which includes serene, yan wen, and jerome for lighting my day all the time!
thanks ya'll!
hearts