not used to being ultra-sensitive
not used to being sad all the time
not used to being jealous
not used to being independent
not used to being angry easily
I don’t mind being friendless here because I know I have a great truck load of awesome friends back home waiting for me.
I don’t mind being hated here and not being cared for because I know that God cares and loves me and I too have a wonderful family giving me all the love that I need. and my boyfriend that is very supportive over me.
I don’t mind being someone I’m not then as long as I still know who I am and not forget who I actually was.
I don’t mind people judging from what I am on the outside and I don’t care whether they want to know who I am actually like on the inside as long as I know and believe I’m not who they think I am.
I don’t being unhappy on the inside as long as I could be happy again when I go back and that it’ll just fill me up enough for me to last another couple of months here.
I just don’t understand why I am so EMO now a days.
Though most of the time I would seem HAPPY but actually I’m just hiding the sadness away.
But if you see me really unhappy on the outside and when you ask me if I’m okay and I would say I’m fine, I’m sorry but I’m actually not fine. Its just me.
My usual friends would know it instantly that I’m not fine even without me having to tell them and that they would know how to cheer me up. but here, I’m just another ordinary person I guess. I just miss the way how my friends would cheer me up and make my life so much brighter.
I miss my family too. The free nice hugs and the ‘family-warmth’ feeling. over here I just cant feel them anymore.
I guess I am just really lonely on the inside and I don’t want to go through the LONG LONG time just to get used to this. Its just so hard to get used to so many things at one go because I’m really confused. Whether to get used to being independent first or to make some close friends first? I can’t do them altogether. I’m just too tired for that.
I don’t know! I’m just not fine (there, I’m not!) and I don’t want to solve it nor do I want it in my heart. I guess I just have to start jogging again! it keeps my pain away.
Anyway, there. Just an update about what is wrong with me now. and don’t worry, I’ll eventually be happy.
Love, Hannah
