‘Smell the cake! it smells awesome!’
‘No I don’t allow you to use my laptop/toilet/..’
‘My mum was admitted into the hospital..’
Yes, these are the things I believed when I’ve been told..
I need a friend.
A friend that would, for once, not lie for the sake of fun.
I’m not gullible. or at least wasn’t.
I comfort myself by saying I’m this way because people are not suppose to lie.
But well, I got a comment today by my school friend, Cissy saying that I’m SO or TOO gullible. & its not good. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m this way now.
Maybe because I’ve came to a new place without a ‘spine’ and therefore I would just fall on (depend on) anything that has been thrown at me.
Like how a newborn wouldn’t be able to stand or hold itself still unless there’s support. Whatever support it could get, it relies on it. Well, I interpret myself as a newborn now since I’m new alone. I’m new to being independent. New to a world without my usual support. New to working and looking for work. New to balance WORK and school at the same time. New to having to swallow shit from those I don’t want to take shit from. New to many conflicts and frictions and so much crap that I just don’t want to look at them.
Gullible I am to this new world.
Sometimes I’m just tired you know?
Tired of taking YOUR SHIT and CLEANING your shit. Yes! I am talking to you. I’m tired. You think no one loves you, but in fact everyone does. But love yourself why don’t you? Why don’t you accept you for who you are and see the brighter side of things? It doesn’t take the world to move, it just takes you to move you. But you make it seem so difficult. Remember the sermon last night? Dr Jim talked about just trusting in the Lord and having both feet on the boat and SIT with your entire weight on the boat but you' are afraid. Or you seem afraid. Why? What is there to lose just to see the happy side of things? Aaron (LAU) told me/the cell that when you think of doing something, sometimes don’t think twice. Because when you do, you will think too much and therefore ending up not doing it. And that for once hit me. It hit me so bad. I used to think of doing so many things and will do it without thinking twice. & it was YOU who taught me to think twice. & I have changed. It did some justice to me thanks to you. But you should learn now to not think so much. You think TOO much. Not saying you shouldn’t think but not to the extend where you don’t even do things!
I am indeed tired. I have myself to worry but now I have to look after you too? I’ve got your back, yes. But I don’t want to carry you all the way to Heaven would I? Live your life because you only have one and only one you have. That’s as much of advice I could give.
I am thinking. Or well, I have been thinking. I might not want to study here in Melbourne. Might want to go far and venture for myself and study as well of course. I’m thinking of maybe Korea (yes, those dramas have gotten into me, but I think Korea wouldn’t be a bad choice because I am interested in their language and their culture) or Canada. I don’t know but yes I am quite certain I would want to venture out of my comfort zone. It’s a challenge I would want to undertake by myself.
That’s still quite far away but yes, I have been thinking.
Love, Hannah
PS: are you ready to trust in the Lord if He asks you to jump? I know I wouldn’t just jump. I would jump with the bomb style!
