sometimes, while walking on the busy streets of Melbourne, I often wish I could just give way to my legs so that I could just crash onto the floor and cry. Cry out all my heartaches and pain and stop when my body is unable to proudce anymore tears.. *sigh*
what is holding me back? what is holding back my tears? I want to know as well...
Love,
Hannah L.
Hello hello! (Please just imagine me screaming for joy even though I have currently lost my voice!)
I will Praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving. This will plese The Lord more than an ox or a bull with horns and hoofs. - Psalm 69:30-31
Last night, was one of the 'normal' stressful nights that when I have been procrestinating throughout the semester and not try to touch my assignments beforehand. Then I leave everything to the last minute knowing that I am no where close to understanding the subject, what more understand it to a level where I can write reports confidently or even do simple book keeping (of course at a deeper level with more complicated transactions and what not). The assignment that I had to hand in today is only worth 10%, however, I have to salvage as much internal scores as I can for this subject because I did not do too well for the in-class test which was worth 30%. That was..BAD.
So, I could have started this assignment earlier this week but I kept pushing it away and choosing to serve Him in the many ministries that I am committed in. When I finally told myself to just sit down and start my assignment last night at 10pm, I was ready. I thought I could ace it because the questions looked fairly easy.
When I planted the transactions in, I kept doubting myself and whether my numbers were even near to correct. I usually study the same subjects with a couple of friends at Uni but this particular subject, I was all alone. Therefore, I didn't have someone that I could compare the answers with. As the hours passed from 11pm to 12am to 1am.. I was getting really despoerate. I read as much as I could and I tried as much as I can, but nothing seems to be going right. I broke down and cried like a toddler that has lost his way, *thankfully the students have already left the Computer Lab*. The only thing that I had in mind was this song that we were singing during worship practise earlier that night - Christ is Enough. It kept running through my head until the point that I couldn't take it anymore, I sang it out loud with tears and with a heart that was burdened, also with a voice that has already been over-used. After singing the Chorus over and over again, I prayed and told Him this:
Lord God, I am so sorry for being selfish. For wanting to do things that were not of importance to what I am studying, and at the end of the day, because of selfishness I have caused disgrace and dishonour to my family and to Your name, Lord. I want to ask if you can help me? *started laughing at myself and thought to myself 'how is this even possible?'* Help me to know that what I am doing is right and even if it isn't right, I pray that you give me the peace that I need in this turmoiled heart of mine. I have nothing to lose but to lose the chance to be able to glorify you and to honour my parents. *sigh*, God, I am nothing but a sinner and I pray that You will forgive me for all my laziness and my complaints. I don't know what I can do and I don't know what I should do, so I will just leave it all at your feet and just do what I can with the ability that I have.
Before running to the toilet to wash my 'filled with tears and mucus' face, I posted on Facebook that this assignment was really tough and deceiving, it seems easy but it is nothing but hard! I was on Facebook to see if I can find anyone online at that unearthly hour that could encourage me or even just advice me of my situation. But no one that I wanted to be online, was online.
After praying, I still felt tired and inadequate. So I went to the toilet to wash up with the hope that when I got back to the table I might gain a little bit more determination and a clearer mind to finish up this *ahem - stupid* assignment.
As per usual , I tried to elongate my time in the toilet as long as possible. And when i sat back down to continue where I have left off, I got a message on my phone, I took a look and saw that it was Mathilda! I actually wanted to just ignore her message because I was already wasting so much time, I can't afford to waste more time by having both hands on my phone. But, I decided to just say hi and hopefully I can tell her about my situation that maybe she could encourage me.
This was what happened:
Mathilda: Hannnnyyyyyyyyy
Me: Mattyyy :(
Mathilda: *sent a photo of the assignment's front page* Are u doing this subject?
Me: OMG yes! I am stuck :(
Mathilda: *sent photos of the answers to me* YES!
Me: o.O Mattyyy... *utterly speechless*
Mathilda: You know why? I was uploading photos on Facebook and I happened to see your status! & I also know that my boyfriend is doing the same subject and has already finished his assignment.
Me: o.O OMGGGG!!! Thank you babe for being the angel!! I kept crying because I was so stuck and I usually have friends that I can compare answers with, but this time I am alone.
Mathilda: Aww don't cry, just do it and I know you will do well! I really think it is His work because I so happened saw your status and I have the answers in my face! :D
Me: :) It was just yesterday that you shared with me the miracle He has provided to you with your exam paper! And now I am experiencing the same thing!!
Mathilda: YESSS how long after you prayed? I prayed for 40 minutes then.
Me: I prayed not too long ago. Maybe 10-15minutes ago?
Mathilda: wow! He is fast! Praise The Lord...!!!!!
Yes. So that was what has happened to me last night. In the end, I did have answers to compare with and I could honestly tell you, when it had hit me, what was left was just joy. Overflowing joy that it flowed out through tears. I could only cry and cry and cry.. *more mucus and tears flowed* I am sure that this is not the first time that I had Him answering my prayers but most of the time it is more for other people or for things that I can't really get an immediate response to. This time I was really vulnerable and through my vulnerability, He revealed Himself to me :)
Even though I am not very proud to be sharing my weaknesses when it comes to my studies, and i am not saying that you should leave your priorities all the way to the last minute, I still believe that I want to share in order that He will be glorified. Be aware as well that He isn't a genie in a bottle that grants us wishes. He answers our prayers when in the end it is in line with His greater plan. I hope it will be in His will that I don't fail any subjects! Time to up my game!!!
:) wish me all the best. I don't want to just be passing or obtaining credits. What I need to be achieving is at least distinctions or highs. I know I can, but I have always just wanted the bear minimum without much effort. Let's do it differently this time!
I hope that God will reveal Himself to everyone as well because ultimately, as our Father and Creator, He would want everyone to be saved and every soul to be living with him in His kingdom for eternity!
Have a blessed weekend my lovely friends!
Love,
Hannah L.
Love and keep loving.